Blog post 'Dear "Suicide" thoughts for Joe....'
Dear "Suicide" thoughts for Joe....
- Published: 391 days ago
- Comments: 7
- Reads: 162
Dear Suicide:
Where do I begin? Five days ago as I ran back and forth for work, complained that it was just too Goddamned hot to do anything, as I wondered if I would be seeing my son after he got out of work, while I discussed nothing important with my girlfriends on the phone and life went on as normal, you shut yourself in your car and swallowed a bottle of pills.
While everyone went on, you didn’t. When we were laying our heads down to sleep, you were sleeping forever. As I told my son to be careful and that I loved him before he left the house, you didn’t think anyone could ever do that for you again. While I was assuring myself that my child was able to get together with his friends, you thought you had none.
While your family searched frantically for you after your call and your girlfriend began to blame herself for this you were gone.
I wanted to be angry with you. It was easy to say you were weak. Simple was calling you a coward. All week, for four long days I thought about how selfish you were.
Yesterday I went to your wake, I told your mother how strong she was. She said she knew you were at peace, that you had finally escaped the torture and pain of your depression; she just couldn’t believe it was by your own hand. Your father was stoic and he comforted everyone else. Your daughters distracted themselves with bustling about with their nearest, dearest friends by their sides. Your son is still too young to understand that his Daddy is gone.
Today I went to your funeral. I watched, experienced and shared everyone’s grief. I see now that the funeral was for you, but it wasn’t really. Today your children’s innocence was buried. Your family’s belief in comfort, trust in healing and their understanding of life; that’s what went into your grave.
For all the sadness, the sorrow and pain you had in your life; your escape has been made. Your family is left behind, not understanding, not able to see that the blame lies not with them, but with you. As they are left wondering, ‘What if I?’; ‘How could we?’; ‘If we had only…’ the Deacon promises that you lie in God’s comfort. Do you really? In this case God’s comfort should be set aside for those left behind, He should gather your family into his arms and show them a way to forgive themselves as they believe they have already forgiven you.
I hope that you knew what you were doing. I pray that you meant to do what you did. An act of such finality is an act committed too quickly in every circumstance, you were never far from help, love, hope or comfort if only you chose to accept it. Recovery is a difficult road, health and success never come easily, but anything is possible if you choose to try. If as much thought, strength and commitment went into saving yourself as went into this horrible decision you would still be here to see your children graduate and walk your daughters down the aisle, to hold your Grandchildren and one day fall asleep a happy, contented man and never rise again.
Suicide is the easy way out. Life is so much harder.
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- Trigs
- 16
Thanks for sharing that and I hope that this helped you.
Your post helps - anyway how stupid it may sound.
A friend of mine has gone - and still I expect him to walk in the door the very next moment. - It's so hard to believe. We might have not been that close - but he's been one of the guys you've seen weeks or maybe months ago and then coming together and talking like there's been no time in between.
I wish you the best.
dutch
Great post!