Zombie-Crow

Prison Break for Paris Hilton?
May 7, 2007

By James L. Hirsen, J.D., Ph.D.
contributor to Newsmax.com

It looked like a red carpet event.

Outside the courthouse, cameras flashed and fans swooned.

Paris Hilton showed up 20 minutes late for her probation violation hearing, dabbing on makeup prior to waltzing in.

Evidently, Paris thought she could use the Debra LaFave defense in court; that her prominent presence in the courtroom would make the judge realize that she was far too beautiful to go to prison.

It may have worked for LaFave, but not for Hilton. Los Angeles Judge Michael Sauer, apparently unimpressed with Hilton's celebrity status, sentenced her to 45 days in the slammer. She was ordered to report to her new accommodations on June 5.

Hilton's home for a potential month and a half will be a cell in a Lynwood, Calif., detention center for women. Like her fellow inmates, she'll wear an orange jumpsuit and be confined to a 12-by-8 foot space. If she wants to primp, she'll have to use the polished metal plate that's provided to see her reflection.

She won't be eating any gourmet meals either. The incarcerated heiress will get only one hot meal per day, with two other cold fowl-based ones.

TV execs are already buzzing about the potential for a "Paris in Prison" show. But the possibility still exists that she'll escape punishment.

After an appeal is filed, Paris may be allowed to remain free on bail. Or she may follow the pattern of another celebrity.

In 2006, then "Lost" actress Michelle Rodriguez started a 60-day jail sentence for violating probation after a driving-under-the-influence arrest in Hawaii. She was released in mere hours due to an overcrowded prison situation.

Hilton's mouthpiece, renowned celeb counsel Howard Weitzman, has indicated that he will file an appeal. His defense is his client's fame and the two-tiered justice system it purportedly produces.

"She's been selectively targeted in my opinion to be prosecuted because of who she is," Weitzman said.

After hearing her fate in court, Hilton told photographers gathered outside her home, "I feel that I was treated unfairly and that the sentence is both cruel and unwanted and I don't deserve this."

Still, in terms of public behavior, Paris has been pushing the envelope for a long time.

The fact of the matter is she presented a real danger to the public when she was driving in an intoxicated state and was put on probation instead of jail. The court gave her conditional mercy.

When Hilton ignored the conditions of her probation, she chose jail for herself. She's not being punished for being Paris. She's being punished for committing a crime.

I mean seriously, how does she think that she's being picked on for being a celebrity?  I don't see any signs pointing to that.  Even if I was in the judges position I would have given her twice that max sentence.  THAT is called picking on her for who she is.

My god is that woman stupid!

Just because she's rich

Just because she's famous

Just because she's an heiress

DOES NOT MEAN SHE CAN DRIVE DRUNK!!!!

She's stupider then I ever thought.

Though, all things considered, it gives me an opportunity to display my lack of sanity, twisted logic and anti-Paris stance.

Why Paris Hilton Can Not Be Allowed To Die

I hate her

I loath her

I want her to go to heaven, because I've already got my bags packed and my ticket ready for hell.

I want her to die a painfully creative death.

But there's a minor issue with that, Paris cannot die.

Yes, I actually said that, her Number One Anti-Fan and I say that she cannot be allowed to die.

Why?

Because if she dies, then the world will be facing a Zombie outbreak unlike anything Hollywood could ever come up with.  Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, 28 Days Later, 28 Weeks Later, none of them could ever illustrate the danger and terror we'd be facing.

Actually, there's one movie that comes close to it.  It would be Shawn of the Dead.  No, there's no terror in this movie, but it does depict the fun of smashing in Zombie heads which is what we're going to be doing.

You see, Paris is too stupid to die.  Face it, if she thinks she can walk into the court and get off wearing pearls and diamonds, she's too stupid to stay dead.  It's the smae kind of logic that we rugby players face.  We take a hit that should keep us down, but no, we get up and do it all over again!

But Paris not dying is not the worst part, not by far, it's the results that should have you running for the bomb shelters with all wht canned goods and bottled water you can get your hands on.

Paris is already at Zombie mentality, she's just got her priorities mixed up.  Zombies live, erm, unlive for flesh.  She lives for shopping.  And stupidity.  She's a fool in deesigner clothing which just makes her a bigger fool then normal fools.

So she dies, takes an intelligence hit (down an IQ of -18 to -34), climbs out of her grave and starts stumbling around (because the heel on one of her Dolche & Gabbana is broken) and grabs the first guy she sees and leaves a festering hickey of Paris Zombie-ness on his neck.

The guy then goes into convulsions as his soul burns and his IQ drops to about 10 points.  He then goes and finds the next victim and leaves a festering hickey on them.  This repeats until the entire world has been converted leaving billions of zombies perched on ledges, tables, and walls with no clue what to do next.

This is why Paris Hilton cannot be allowed to die!  Humans are in enough trouble as it is, they don't need to add zombies to the mix, and definitly not Paris Zombies!

This has been another product of the lost, confused, twisted, and warped mind that is known  as Crow.

Hope you enjoyed it!