dimitjana: Blog

Restless

dimitjana — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 09:18:35 +0000

I don't know what it is, that makes me run in circles. But it keeps me from finding a rest. Sometimes I can't even sleep. I really wonder what is about to happen. And as I can't point the finger on it, it makes me do quiet a lot of stuff I wouldn't do otherwise.

And it feels like I would be cut off my refuges - like reading a good book, or just listening to music. For painting I don't have that much time, so there are just a lot of drafts waiting to be changed.

I want to break out, but as I don't know from what - well, that makes it quiet more difficult. Even writing is not as usual. I feel trapped and want to run - and at the same time my mind says "calm down, relax" but I can't focus on a meditation.

Besides all this I miss being with my family and my bf. Somehow I'm much stronger when they're around. It's way easier to calm down and get back to normal. In a way that's a new sensation to me. Years ago I've been rather alone than spending time with anyone around. You could say books were better friends, they never asked anything of me but to read them. And yes, I still read a lot, I hardly can stop doing. But now the books have to wait until I really want to read them.

And still I feel driven to do something, to finish this restless way. I hope that will relax really soon.

Just a dream

dimitjana — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:58:39 +0000

Well that night has been kind of different to the last nights. I'm feeling better, even as my head still aches and everything starts to turn round when I move. Bad virus infect.
And yet this morning I was between sleep and reality.

So that was the dream I had last night, or at least what I remember:

I can't remember everything, just parts of it, like the picture has been broken and then filled into a kaleidoscope and I'm the one looking through it.
Yet I don't know what kind of beings they have been, I guess some kind of magic. But if human or another race, I don't know.

Most of all I remember colors, like the absolute black of this man or the beautiful shining light of the queen of them. And yet there are other colors like the ocean blue of the man that the girl fell in love. I was in a way with her, not sure if she felt my presence.
I've not understand the way of their laws or anything else. They seem to be guided by feelings strong and beautiful. But some even as beautiful as they are can hardly see the light and stars which lead them. Some of them have fallen and got lost, finding their place somewhere else. And some others just wait until their time has come.

And yet there is the girl, I've become or just accompanied for the time of my dream. She was one of the few born with different colors, beautiful blue of an early morning sky and dark red something between the color of blood and wine.

She had fallen in love with the ocean blue man, and somehow it seemed they would be together. And then there was a big event. Everyone was looking forward to it. All of them were sewing new clothes or at least had someone doing it for them. Each one in the color of the person who was about to wear it in the end. Even she the girl with two colors made a beautiful dress of her colors. Red flames burning the soft blue of the morning sky.

The dance was wonderful, everyone seeing those colors whirling around in dance thought about the rainbow dancing with itself. And the two colored ones just vanished inside this rush of colors, giving the connection to the others.

But all to soon it was over. Their queen asked the black for the last dance, and all the colors were driven out of the ball room. Only some two colored remained to watch them dance. And as the light and darkness danced along the colors of the left ones changed. And in the moment they had decided for their color, they were driven out as well. But the red flames burning the soft blue of the morning sky remained.

The queen and her dark partner stopped in front of her.
"So this year it is you again Milady." His voice was dark and soft, hiding his power behind.
But she shook her head. "No, it's not. You can't take me with you again. This year there's none of us left for you." She paused and softly added, "my Lord."
But he had already taken a view inside of her colors and found the one she longed for. "We'll see Milady..." As he left the room. "And I guess I can wait Milady, but he has not so much time..."
Leaving this sentence hang in the air he closed the door behind.

The queen watched the young girl. "You've got to go. Or you'll leave him behind with him till next year. But he probably won't be much the same anymore then. It is again your choice. You must find your way."

The next thing I remember seeing is the red flames burning the soft blue of the morning sky as she leaves presents in several rooms. Just as if she says goodbye to everyone and greets them with their colors. And even in the room of the ocean blue she leaves a present.

It's later that day, that the others discover that she has gone. Some try to find out what is going on but they can't find a sign of her.

While the others try to find her, the red flames burning the soft blue of the morning sky finds herself in a dark place, where no color can be seen. Even as she tries to see her own colors she finds just a vanishing blue and darkening red, covering her more and more.
Fear has found its way to her and reaches for her heart and her soul. Gently it's circling her, trying to keep the illusion of the one she longs for.

And yet there's something lighting the darkness as the fear thought to be done with the girl. Without hesitation the girl makes here way following the light. Leaving the fear behind, which can't find any grip at her being anymore.

It is later in this dark without time, that she recognizes the ocean blue. He has become pale and weak. He seems to fade every moment. Softly she touches him with her soul, everything she is. And he slowly opens his eyes again. Even there the blue ocean seemed to be gone. But as she keeps the touch with him, stroking him, his color returns.

"You're really not wasting a lot of time."
The voice behind her, makes her turn around. The absolute black watches her, carefully keeping an eye on every move she makes.

"You'll release him my Lord." The red flames burning the soft blue of the morning sky is calm, her voice is like a wish. Not loud or asking, but nearly quiet and forcing. Even the absolute black has to admit that she's stronger as he has ever expected.

"And what do I get for this Milady?" The absolute black still has her eyes on her.
"You already know it my Lord." Her voice is soft, like the gentle touch of a lover. Slowly she turns to the ocean blue.
"You must leave my dear, this has never been a place for you." And while she strokes him, he finally recovers and the darkness loses its grip. Still weak he is caught by the red flames burning the soft blue of the morning sky. "Go my dear. Just wait for me. Promise me that." With a last kiss, she sends him back to his home. Without giving him the chance to swear what she's asking of him.

Silence fell over the place as the absolute black watches the red flames burning the soft blue of the morning sky.
She's just there, and even as the dark is closing in to her, her colors don't change. Then she slowly turns to the absolute black.
"You now have what you wanted." Just those words, before she closes her eyes and let her fall into the darkness. Her colors fading away within a moment.

"Nooooooooooooooooooo!" Loud and angry, betrayed of what he longed the absolute black, chases away its own shadows. As they have vanished, he hardly can see her, as all her colors have gone apart from a dark shimmering violet.

Taking her on her arms he concentrated on the ball room. The place began to whirl around and as it slowed down, the environment had changed completely. The ball room was now empty and seemed to be abandoned. Only the faded mosaic of the floor remembered its story.

As he lay her down on the floor the faded colors of the mosaic flickered. Around her little balls of color turned up. Starting to circle her, while they forced the absolute black to step back. The door opened and the queen entered the room.

"So here you are, bringing her back." The beautiful shining light of the queen lit the room and opened the seal hiding the colors.
"And there's no way I won't get paid for that." The absolute black said.
"You've been paid, she did it. And now you leave." The queen remarked. "Out." Her voice forced him to leave the ball room.
"I'll be back." he mourned before he vanished.

"Do your work my dears." The queen smiled and weaved her light with the balls of color. Soon something new was taking shape. A beautiful dress all in violet, shimmering blue like the early morning sky and red like wine of blood.
"Wake up, young lady. Won't you?" The queen whispered and let the dress slide down to the girl. As it covered her, the queen turned and left. "Come back, there is someone waiting for you."
Then the door closed.

So that's it. It leaves my kind of fascinated and confused. I'm not quiet sure what it tells me. But somehow I'll find it out.

Just passing by

dimitjana — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 19:02:47 +0000

You know it's wired. Every time I think every thing's alright and fine, there's something dropping down and breaking. And every time I think I made some progress I find there just more mistakes that I've done. It feels like I'm stuck in a place I don't know as well as I don't know the way out of it.

And in a way I don't see what comes now. I struggle to find my way and try to keep my head high, but somehow I just want to have some peace of mind.

Sometimes my head is so full of information that I need to sit down and force me "to empty my mind" until there's nothing left. And the last days were filled with to much information and so few time to work them out. Still I try to figure out what some of them meant and yet I can't finish this.

My head's aching, my left side of the jaw still doesn't feel alright again. And there are some other problems keeping me busy and filling me with restless feelings.

So I really long for a break, for a rest, but I don't see what brings me there.

Seemed like nothing

dimitjana — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 20:31:20 +0000

I guess that would have been the words I may have chosen at the weekend. But well what should I say - that wasn't nothing.
Last weekend the left side of my jaw (guess it is the right word^^) ached. Very unlikely. So Tuesday, back from holidays I called my dentist and got an appointment for Thursday, so Today. And well here I am with one damned tooth, that aches like he longs to get it from one year to just those few days. There's been a hole inside the tooth and well it ached quiet a lot as my dentist opened it and took all the "dead stuff" (I don't know what it's called) out. Then she filled some medicine in and closed it. So next week she wants to see me again. Well and still it aches, even as it's just a bit.
Luckily my dentist is a very kind and talented woman, so I got my medicine and something against the pain...
It's been the first time that I asked them to call a friend of mine, cause I was not sure that I would make it home on my own - And as it needs a lot before I call someone to pick me up, you can imagine that my friend was really worried...
I still feel a bit confused and tired. So I'll be going to bed soon.
And what about my friend, well she shares the apartment with me and wanted to go out with a friend of hers. Instead of watching a film in the cinema, they stayed home and are still watching their film. And I am happy that they stayed cause I felt all the time like I would just fade the very next moment.
So I hope even as I am still confused and tired that you are all fine and don't have to go through something like that. That's kind of pain that absolutely no-one needs.

Life's kind of strange

dimitjana — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 13:48:11 +0000

Sometimes I really don't know what my life has for me. It's just this feeling to walk down a road to nowhere and besides this life telling you everything will be alright, while your heart cries and screams that nothing will be ever good again.

And if you manage to get this feeling and thoughts away you find yourself in your life, while everything is fine. Like you have a partner who enjoys your way and person, you have a job you like even if there's way to much to do and you find that you get along with yourself very well.

But still there is this strange air around you can't handle. That makes you cry without a reason, that makes you sit down and think to much, that makes you feel sad and alone, while those who love you are around.

You feel that your losing grip in this reality, you drift away in another world, strange and new, but it's not your world. While you try desperately to find your way back, everything you do leads you deeper into the other world. And you can feel the door close. Your way back has gone. You've got to find a new way to return.

And so you're part of two worlds, while one is the place you long to be and the other fills every inch of your being with fear. And this ain't a kind of fear that helps you, it's paralyzing you, banning you on the place where you are.

So what will you do now, as the unknown, the darkness of your own is closing in. You can't run away, you can't hope for anyone to help you. The only way leads into the dark. You'll have to face yourself as you are, not the one you long to be.

And maybe there's the problem, if you lied to anyone around - you still have to be true to yourself. But if you missed to do so and find now that you believe your own lies because you can't bear it to face the truth, then you might have to escape the world you long to be, way down in the dark to find the way back to yourself. you might have lost who you have been, but there is so much more you can become, when you are true to yourself and believe in yourself.

Don't be afraid of what lies ahead. Just go and try.

Booktick.com again

dimitjana — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 16:06:56 +0000

By now I've added about 1000 books to my profile on booktick and still there seems to be no end. I guess that there are again 400 books left waiting to be added. And what makes me really think, I can't have enough books, because I still buy at least 5 every month^^
So I'll gonna go on like the last days. A half hour for my books and the number of those to add will become smaller - just a bit.

Booktick.com & busy Sunday afternoons

dimitjana — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 17:04:29 +0000

A friend of mine is owner and admin of Booktick.com and I'm trying hard to get all my books added. Right now I've got 933 books and something about 400 books which I'll still have to add. I really love the platform. The main language is German, but you can add as well books written in English, French and Spanish.

And as I have started getting some organization for my books, it came to me that I need to sort through my other stuff as well. So instead of a lazy Sunday afternoon, I've been cleaning up my room and yet I'm not finished.^^

So what have you been doing this Sunday?

Greetings Dimitjana

Gallery

dimitjana — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 21:04:56 +0000

Well I found some time to paint and finally made some shots of what I've done. And as I'm waiting for my friend to come home, I thought it would be nice to pick some of the shots and upload them for you^^
I hope you'll enjoy them and tell me what you think about. I've been trying a lot of new stuff I bought and/or got as present - so I'd really love to know what's good and what could be done in another way

so cu and thx

Reading all the time

dimitjana — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 21:05:39 +0000

As I needed something to do in the morning while I'm on my way to work I started to read again. And within the last week I've finished two books:

- Shan Sa - The Girl who played Go

- Jenny Nimmo - Children of the Red King II - The Time Twister

I enjoyed reading both of them quiet a lot. While The Girl who played Go is more thoughtful and poetic in a way which is going really deep, The Time Twister is written for young adults and children and while reading it you can't avoid smiling sometimes. To point it out the book written by Shan Sa is about finding your heart and fate, while Jenny Nimmo invites your fantasy to go round and take the adventure.
And as I watch the clock it's already late again, so I'll have to tell you about the books later...

Wishing away

dimitjana — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 13:57:22 +0000

Somehow I really don't know what this all means...
My life's going quiet well and everything changed in a good way, but my heart feels broken. I wonder why I'm so sad now that I got that far and proofed to myself what I can.
Besides all this wired feelings there are some persons who are as important for me, that I'm thankful for every moment I may spend with them. First my family especially the daughters of my sis, those little girls always kept me going on no matter what had happened. Then my friends, which seem to be many, but at least are only a few. I'm still amazed that I got you and wish we could spend more time together. And yet somehow my partner. I really wish you wouldn't be that far away, but otherwise you've got to go your way as I'm going mine. There's no other way for us as we both want to run free.
So what's wrong with all this success and sadness...

New Year, new ways?

dimitjana — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 20:40:40 +0000

I've spent a quiet and very calm evening on New Year. After the days with my family it was nice to have some time on my own. I hope you're all fine and had a good start into new year.

I'm looking forward to all the new stuff coming up this year. The last year was very fine and I received a lot of gifts and met many kind people. I hope that 2008 continues with this.
Sure I wish that time may be gentle with me and not running again like the year before. The rush of luck is nice and really likely. But it's becoming way to much to bear when you receive so much that you can hardly get it into your mind. Sometimes I felt drunken of so much joy and kindness.
That's what kept me going when times were not as likely as that.

And for 2007 I like to thank all of you who were there and made me go on.
I wish you the best and for all who are dear to you.

Exams

dimitjana — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 22:04:31 +0000

Say YEAH!
Today I got the results of my exams.
Theory - passed
Practice - passed

So on 21st January I have my oral exam and then I'll be finished. 2 years have gone like a deep breath. It's still amazing to have the feeling that you've just started with all of that...

Pics, websites and flat ^^

dimitjana — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 22:02:57 +0000

Well where to start?

Instead of getting anything done on my homepage I've started to upload pics here. So once again no new index page *drop*
Hope you enjoy the pics instead.

I think that by the end of the next week I can take the pics of my room and the bath, just to show a bit of myself to you.

Everything else keeps going quiet well. My job is somehow lovely and I enjoy working with my colleagues - they are so kind. Sports been okay too. And by now, I'm tired and will try to get some rest...

Like always

dimitjana — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 23:56:32 +0000

My mum has been here for a week and will stay another one.
Actually I'm really glad having her around. Even though she's my guest I can hardly keep her from helping me with housework and stuff like that - while I still have to pack out some boxes. And while I'm trying to get the things cleaned up in my room, we had and have quiet a lot of time to talk.
It's kind of interesting that no-one of my family ever thought of what they tell me. So most times I'm the one having the whole picture, while the rest of them has only pieces and don't get through.
And sometimes I wonder why the hell everybody trusts me.

So everything goes the usual way and it's like all the time before. I go out, have fun and wonder from time to time if there's more behind the surface as it seems. Maybe that I try to much to get to know what's happening in the background. I've tried many times to do not and for a while everything was easy. But I always got in trouble and somehow I'm not quiet sure whether I should care or not.

websites...

dimitjana — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 20:50:57 +0000

Next week I got three days off. And I really hope that I'll have then the time to work on my website dimitjana.de. Yet there's nothing but an index saying there'll be the pages of Dimitjana...

The layout won't be such a big problem. It's more the connection of the pages. And besides that there are so many pics and texts I'd like to put on the page, that it will take a long time, till I'll be finished with taking them in...

If you like to view some of my stuff before - I've put some of it in my gallery.

cu