leenstar: Blog

renaissance heart

leenstar — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 21:42:54 +0000

hello my dear
I killed my heart tonight
the murder scene stained the memories onto the floor
I bleach them out as I dispose of my heart in the sink

I drown the floor in bleach
watch me erase the past
I step outside to seek another heart
a clean heart

I stumble across a field of hearts
they glow pink with purity
I pick one in hope it will fuse with me

This is my renaissance of love
I killed my heart for a rebirth faith in love
a chance to start again
this time I will care for me
and not let anyone vanquish
my renaissance heart

There is a revolution in my mind
new thoughts
new emotions
purging out the past residue of emotions
This heart is in overdrive
it caress my soul
gives my wings back

I am filled with new hope
the need to live
I will find a love again
and learn from my apocalyptic heart of the past
this time its for real and not falsifications

This is my renaissance of love
I killed my heart for a rebirth faith in love
a chance to start again
this time I will care for me
and not let anyone vanquish
my renaissance heart

i miss traveling chaos

leenstar — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 17:23:36 +0000

So Kari misses the airplane food.... I actually miss hearing "watch your step" from the Amsterdam airport , the chaos from running one terminal to another, getting lost in an enormous airport with Kari & Tessara. Trying to find Sarah at the airport even if it took over an hour! I miss all the foreign languages with their english tv shows. Yea I do miss the strange make you sick airplane food, the 6 hours of slight turbulence and feeling motion sickness from it, the little pillows and blankets, the fact I can barely reach the luggage overhead, even the 12 hour overlay to get back home.

I miss the city walks with my four girls just browsing and taking in the city's atmosphere, wondering where we are at, looking for where to eat, watching a guy run into a door from looking at us , the giant water faucet that is still a mystery, the owl that looked at me weird, the shops, the cold clean air, seeing the hot rockstars just walking around . Even the strange encounter at night.

Then being in a venue with all the familiar online face that now are 3D and breathing/talking instead of 2D pics and text on a screen. The chaos of running around, up down the stairs, to take pics. The talks/convos, the kisses & hugs and pics... i miss it so much, im still lovesick over helsinki!

7 months till I can go back... this time a week with my girls and hangout more.

stab

leenstar — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 21:08:08 +0000

so lil aileen got another knife wound :/
this time it was on my thumb and index finger skin a nice one inch stab wound, omg the blood spewed i got it on the carpet, bed, door, wall bathroom sink
sadly it happens to much i know exactly what to do and i only have the materials needed to fix things like this :X

the wound after i got it to stop bleeding

the weapon of choice :X

good thing it went in at an angle so i didnt have a new piercing

Illustration class....work- medium size images

leenstar — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 17:20:20 +0000

So I have neglected to add any of these to the gallery but at the same time should I?
I'll debate it later, im still f**king frustrated from working in flash since its the first time to work in it as well, gauh solo crash course 101!!!!! Im stressed enough to break my monitor... yea I know its over but Gdamn! On the other hand when I get batteries for my lil plain consumer camera i will make little videos and edit them or learn to on my own and test that out see if it is a new calling.

so here is the artwork...
wk 1 is in my gallery

wk2

wk 3

this is the preup to my final project and pre flash swf..
I am making a book & cover over coffee inspired agitation...
inspired by my black abyss at 6am.

wk4

of course I have the large files these are just small ones to show,
and its a techniques class so you may not see the grand work I put into it at this size
just 2 more weeks and Im done for this quarter.

Leenstar Buttons for Sale!

leenstar — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 06:09:48 +0000

Leenstar finally got her buttons and is ready to sell them,(and happy about them!)
There are 10 designs up on Leenstar's etsy page!
http://leenstaraileen.etsy.com
They will be offerred on the new site Leenstar.com , but that might take a day or two till
the shopping cart software is figure out. But for now you can message Leenstar
(trig.com/leenstar myspace.com/leenstar) with your paypal email address and
I'll send you an invoice! See the designs on the etsy page so I know which one(s) you want!

one of the 10 designs!

Day 6

leenstar — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 14:57:38 +0000

Its day 6 of mountain dew free... I had to since last week every time i drank it (just last week) my kidneys would hurt so much i felt like i was dying and had to lay down and curl up. And it started to get worse, and my kidneys are already not so great so I stopped last Thursday and I have gone through every withdrawal symptom in the book:

headache
fatigue
difficulty concentrating.
feel like you have the flu with nausea and muscle pain
sweating
vomiting
anxiety
Insomnia
muscle pain
cramps
Rebound REM sleep awake
Hallucinations
nightmares
blood pressure change
tachycardia
postural hypotension
depersonalization
derealisation
Tinnius
paraesthesia
visual disturbance
stomach disturbance

this list could go on.... I am so exhausted coffee isn't helping any and i go in and out of these symptoms.... i don't hurt anymore.... but og i cant handle this! I am having one at lunch... lets hope the pain doesn't come with it... yea I haven't told anyone up until yesterday, didn't think it was important.

Zombie Survival Guide

leenstar — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 13:51:07 +0000

ahhhhhhh zombies are after my dead brain!!!!

Have you ever played any Resident Evil games?
yep

(If you answered no, you are already on thin ice.)

Weapon of Choice:
MACHINE GUN!! or flame thrower!

You have two liquor bottles, a rag, and a lighter, what do you do:
light it and through it its a bomb!!!!

Hunt alone, or assemble a team:
team fuck alone on this shit

What is the closest thing to you, that doubles as a weapon:
damnit im not safe in this room!... wait i got a knife!

Would you seek out the zombies, or let them come to you:
seek

Where would you hold up:
underground shack with lots of weapons and basic needs

If a friend/family member was to become a zombie, could you kill them:
hell ya i am not going down!

What would you do if you were bitten/infected:
blow my brains out!

Transportation of choice:
Could you sacrafice yourself to save your group:
fuck no!

If the world had an outbreak, would you still follow the laws:
fuck no!

What's the best way to take out zombies:
blow them up!

What would you wear:
shorts tank, gun belt, amo/gernade belt. knee shig boots with 2 knifes strapped to my legs, bandanda, large sunglasses, black gloves!!... yea i have thought about this before

What gear would go with you:
see above, and extra guns

Sneak around, or cut right though:
both!

Are you a guru of zombie films:
haha no

aileen through out the years

leenstar — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 16:09:34 +0000

i have changed so much from the years, the fashion seems to always to include black or pink , I was a cute kid... it seemed to stop at 16..... and died from 17-23... but lately i feel prettier... I did smile allot before, i was a romantic chic once, very loving and all that sap crap with doses of depression eating me from 11. At 13 I was nicely very Ana. as you can see at the bottom. yea you can see how curly my hair is, but i finally have done enough to damage them out of my hiar... but that will change if i use shampoo for curly hair ... cant escape genetics. I've been a rocker since i was young... who the hell said checked diamonds and polka dots are ok? I seem to always stand out in a crowd in pics... hmm. Yes i was in track, I love to run, but not so much the last 5 years, but the few times i got to it was exhilerating to run from everything like an escape.

music for life moments

leenstar — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 15:09:48 +0000

its funny how when listening to my music on my ipod... and it plays it in a sequence of random life moments.... like...

- when life was bad and then when I find love, and then the breaking apart song.. then the discovery of new feelings to a song that tells me to listen to my heart or dreams then a happy song of reassurance.

- or the new discovery of emotions, the love , the betrayal, the suicide song.

- or the song of depression, the song to lift me from you 16ft hole grave, the song of progression and change, the song of control and power top of the world, followed by another love song.

- the breaking down song, the sad song about you and I, the song for your suicide, the afterlife song, the song for those I left behind.

its strange how my lil ipod is doing this recapping moments in my life... my ipod is in sync with my emotions some days, other its out to break me.

and its always interesting to tack an emotion/memory to certain songs, and when it plays I am overwhelmed with all of the memories and emotions.just some songs I tacked an emotion to and i will scream/cry this song at the top of my lungs any day when it plays in my ears like poison.

"Always" by Saliva
{breakup}

"I hate everything about you" by 3days grace
{breakup}

"In the end" by Linkin Park
{abusive expartner}

"Hole in my Soul" by Aerosmith
{friendship that almost ended}

"The New Black" by Every Time I Die
{when life got better}

"The animal in me" by Motley Crue
{emotions towards someone}

"IF I die tomorrow" by Motley Crue
{all of my life in general}

"You belong" by User of an uncommon name
{sums up an expartner and any future ones}

"Levitate" by Violent Divine
{Helsinki & the new people I meet}

"Anyway" by Private Line
{another about all of my life in general}

"Otherside" RHCP
{when I lost majority of my firends}

"What do I have to do" Stabbing Westward
{abusive expartners}

"Believer" Kill Hannah
{broken marriage}

"So far away" Crossfade
{abusive expartners}

"reflection" Christina Aguilera
{inner self}

"I dont care" Apocalyptica & Adam Gontier
{most of life and people in my life}

hmm enough to make one cd...odd

2 poems/songs

leenstar — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 18:05:59 +0000

yes they are very drastic from eachother a happy one and a meh one{happy one from today , meh one is from friday} let me know what ya think, i could use some criticism in a dying art of mine

"spellbound daze"{today}

I'm in such a daze today
It almost feels like I'm dreaming
And I've been all smiles today...
what is this lovely toxic feeling that is filling my head?
no drugs or drinks can make me feel like this
what did you pour into my water?

im drowning up to my eyes in this feeling
its feels so fantastic
A new feeling, but strangely familiar
i cant function today
I'm in such a daze
there is a spell on me

I walk but it feels like air
i gasp for air forgetting to breath
so wrapped up in this silky daze
the world is falling around me and I take no notice
no room for my sweet sorrow just this fluffy feeling
might as well push me down and watch me bounce back up.

im drowning up to my eyes in this feeling
its feels so fantastic
A new feeling, but strangely familiar
i cant function today
I'm in such a daze
there is a spell on me

don't come heal me from this toxin
its sweet seduction to my blood and air
hold my hand before i float away in this sea of serenity
and even if i drown it will be ok
since its the best kind of euphoria to be in

this is my better days
let me hold on to this
im drowning up to my eyes in this feeling
its feels so fantastic
A new feeling, but strangely familiar
i cant function today
I'm in such a daze
there is a spell on me
and i love this daze of a spell

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"like an open cut" {friday}

Spilling life like a coffee stain
on your white tile of innocence
I take my arms and smash
the mirror in your eyes
the mirror that reflects this false image of me
the monster within me will not stand for it

I cut my face with your stare
and it peels into my core of weakness
I cant hide the impurities that I am
the ones that will make an angle
take its life in my name

I lay in my blood
waiting for it to drain out of me
light the drought in my heart
that closed off your love
this poison isn't strong enough to kill me
but i want it to
kill me faster

I cut my throat
to end the screams of "help me"
But I cant hide my impurities for you
the ones that will fill my demon
with your lust

let me drown in your tears
for they wont last long for me
they will fade like everyone who lied
and claimed they loved me.

i swear somedays i think my extremest personality is really 2 of me

weekend

leenstar — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 14:42:26 +0000

Friday... i dont remember I drank thats all I know....

Saturday more so productive than anything but left my back hurting. Saturday I pull the remainder of my stuff upstairs to sort in keep, trash, give away piles. Charles comes over hangs out watching movies on Lee's comp while I finish cleaning and organizing the upstairs. (except the room im moving into), After he finishes the movie I am already downstairs sorting my dvds into a DVD binder and giving all the plastic cases to lee's movies that needed them. Lots of movies I went through, and watched "Into the Wild" great movie!!!! it has similar aspects to whats going on in my mind lately. then after that he goes up stairs to watch another movie, and i am still organizing the downstairs. Lee gets home and by then

I have moved onto being on the comp this about 7 or 8pm. They head to a bar, and i drink a good chunk of my swedish voka in appletini's(i wanted something kinda of sweet), I didnt even know it was swedish just been drinking it and I look at the bottle and there is the flag. I drank allot it semi kicked my ass, I couldnt taste it so I keep drinking it , good thing about vodka is it wont give me a hangover, just continue the buzz till the next day!

Sunday: Slept in till 11:45am damn vodka slowed me down. back to organizing the office got all the computer stuff done, except for the art/supplies section. Home alone since noon till about 1am. So I cleaned some more(yea i can be real neurotic about it), then a big storm comes by and well kills my interent. OMFGxmillion times! I didnt know what to do with myself, i havent had a day off since I got addicted back in umm the 90's... yea that long. So I go shower to kill some time,(im a water waste ) and then took an underwear shot ... the before shot so i can see a progression of weightloss self project. Took one cute pic, then wrote in my dream journal, noticed im missing allot that is online... its a mircale I still know how to write, it hurt my hand, but I used to do it allot in school, now its all typing. Then started to draw, drew a few ones, but felt like being a fan girl

so I am going to draw all my fav singers/musicas since it makes me happy.... jyrki will be the hardest for me, since all I have done of him is digital. I know I should of started with Manson, but I didnt. Mike Divine is easier to draw from memory, plus I have a shot of this but intense, I wanted to do a mellow version of him as if he were singing "feels like home", "slow" or even "misery". looks better if I took it with my reg cam and not my cell. BUT i am NOT done so ha teaser shot.

i have a muse

leenstar — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 21:13:29 +0000

yes i do, and it took me awhile to really realize it
I have a beautiful muse that makes me want to draw,paint, photograph, sing, play the guitar again, but at the same time scream, hide in a coffin and lay in a tub full of water not breathing.

its excitingly morbid, fucking fantastic fun in a box with out the confetti!!
here is some of what has been inspired by my muse, but there is more sitting at home

i adore my muse <3(no its not love its like holding on to something that is worth treasuring and protecting or putting on a pedestal)... to bad i cant lock that muse up and keep the creativity spark near me ;)

roadblocks

leenstar — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 16:35:52 +0000

just got a road block in my way.... I cant just get up and go like I want to Europe, I need at least 6 months of prepations of shots and documentations proving they had them to take my pets... the cost of that will be high... then the cost to transport them.... ouch, but I am NOT leaving with out my 5 cats! I have to see if there is a limit on pets and if there is a fine to pay for having to many... save for that.

my babies rock, and i cant live without them either!!! mwa mwa to them!!!

Not only that I may rule out England due to its month quarantine rule, fucking lame, my cats are indoor cats not outdoor and never will be either. So I need to find somewhere else, Sweden has some interesting rules, Finland seems more forgiving... need to finish reading the documentations. But I wont let that dampen my dream of living in europe, not at all!

so instead i have to find an apartment to live in till after march/trash fest and by then I should have all the documents, packing and living on bare minimum of materials in order to achieve my goal. Cheap small apartments.. gauh but oh well it will be worth it in the end. Cant live at home with the parents since my mother is anti-pets. So i may just have to take a second job to pull this off. we will see...

vent vent vent

leenstar — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 17:54:31 +0000

l corazón es una cosa malligna que no se como corregir... y eso me hace morir adentro de mi alma. Pero me lleva a un camino donde puede estar maz feliz.

rise against know hows i feel ... partially right.
song: ready to fall
" Now I'm standing on the rooftop ready to fall
I think I'm at the edge now but I could be wrong
I'm standing on the rooftop ready to fall"

song: Drones
" If you see me, please just walk on by, walk on by.
Forget my name and I'll forget it too."

song: worth dying for
"Take me
From this world
Save me
What if we
All die young?"

i know, i know its tough right now, it will get better, everyone has gone through this at one point... but you know what i dont want to hear it. When I feel like a failure or worthless, i will block you out and keep on walking even if my stride breaks.... maybe tomorrow will be better.

Leenstar Merch update

leenstar — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 17:54:20 +0000

Leenstar merch is coming soon,
its either this or die and get famous
I am going to have some pins made and see how that works, and these are the 10 designs that will first be tested there will be 5 of each design to sell:

I can sell them on etsy, or direct paypal for those with out an account on etsy

I have a few hand screen/painted shirts just to see how the designs do at my etsy shop leenstaraileen.etsy.com soon to add a few hand sewn item... maybe by monday.

tempted to do some vinyl stickers as well, we'll see... i need to get rid of more art as well, i will be selling them at ridiculously low prices that would make any artist kill themselves, just since I'm tired having them. and so some future art snob gets lots more than paid for... gauh!

k thanx

yay!

leenstar — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 17:37:59 +0000

aileen= good mood!
i now its rate lately!
so with that good mood i made a new playlist of all the songs i love to hear when i am in a good love-y type mood, yes you heard me I want to hug, sing/scream and dance around!
so here is the screenshots composed together to see all 222 songs that i am hearting to!
I know not all are good feeling relating but they make me happy! yes me me me me!

http://www.leenstar.net/loveymix.jpg
you may have to click it to zoom in depending what browser you use its a large/long file!

VIOLENT DIVNE BANNERS

leenstar — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 18:16:06 +0000

haha ok as some of you might as noticed,
the gentelmen from Violent Divine are using my designs on their pages
if not you better go trig something on all of their pages
and paste these banners on your pages!!

seriously show them & support they rock out this designer's heart!

opening old wounds

leenstar — Fri, 30 May 2008 20:46:36 +0000

So i get the grand idea of reading old entries from my livejournal 2003...
I got so overwhelmed with all the old emotions of pain, and the need to die... but i went on when 95% of my entries is seeking help and love, and all i could do as present aileen is rewatch my soul die again on loop. watching it eat at me, feeling it creep up on me... i guess i really am stronger than I know, its not helping my pod is playing songs from that year that were there fro me then and no they still hold the emotions, tears, fears as it did then.

and in all i can hear this old song i wrote long time ago... strange to remember one when it was thrown out against my will and its strange i had a perfect image already done for it... as if it were still floating in my subconscious:

Soundtrack to your life:

leenstar — Tue, 27 May 2008 02:53:09 +0000

Opening Credits:
I dont care - apocalyptica & Adam Gontier

Waking Up Scene:
Anyway - Private Line

Car Driving Scene:
Fuel my fire - Prodigy

High School Flashback Scene:
In the end - Linkin Park

Nostalgic Scene:
Feels like home - Violent Divine

Bitter, Angry Scene:
The New Black - Everytime I die

Break-up Scene:
Fighter - Christina Aguilera

Regret Scene:
Yesterday - The Beatles

Nightclub/Bar Scene:
Take me away - Melody Club

Fight/Action Scene:
Lights Out - Mindless Self Indulgence

Lawn Mowing Scene:
Legion of Boom - The crystal method

Sad, breakdown scene:
Otherside - Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Death Scene:
Chop Suey - System of a Down

Funeral Scene:
Requiem for a Dream Soundtrack - Lux Aeterna

Mellow/Pot-smoking Scene:
Rainforest Mix -Moby

Dreaming About Someone Scene:
Betty Blue - The 69 Eyes
Ghost in the Machine - Violent Divine

Sex Scene:
Chemical Rabbit - Sexy Death

Contemplation Scene:
Wings & Hearts - The 69 Eyes

Chase Scene:
Organ Donor - DJ Shadow

Happy Love Scene:
Take my hand - Dido

Happy Friend Scene:
You stole the sun from my heart - Manic Street Preachers

Closing Credits:
If i die tomorrow - Motley Crue

wii fit kicks aileen!

leenstar — Sun, 25 May 2008 04:13:57 +0000

yea the basic readings from my height/age/weight/basic test said
*IM OVERWEIGHT
*MY FIT AGE IS 46
*ASKED ME IF I TRIP ALLOT WHEN I WALK

dude my wii fit is mean.... but it will help me reaach a goal!
ha i know aileen finally has a healthy goal
LOSE 20LBS IN A MONTH!!!!!!
it's going to be brutal but if i keep at it until march 2009
i really be awesome and fit to walk the city!!!! and I will wear all my tight awesoem goth/sexytime clothes!!! fuck yea im stoked and tired

47mins on the wii fit! hell yea!

vegan day 2

leenstar — Tue, 20 May 2008 14:48:30 +0000

Im not writing about it everyday...
so yea I took the pledge from peta2.com to try to be vegan for World Vegetarian Week....
damn I just now noticed not vegan, yay i dont have to give up eggs! well I should try not to anyway. So far its been easy but that was just day one.... 6 more to go.

day one
breakfast: french toast & juice
lunch: Veggie burger from BK {gotta play the Indiana Jones game }
Dinner: Thai noodles and chips.

I feel pretty hungry since I normally have chicken, i don't care much for red meat, eat very little bit of it, unlike my husband who could slaughter a cow and eat it ... gauh no! so gross!!!!!!
So we had to go grocery shopping and he was freaking out about how the cart wasn't as full with meats... so he fills it for him as if it was never to be, I still will cook it for him, just not me.
hmm red meat always smells like death rotting when it's cooking grosses me out!, but it has some protiens i need and i hate vitamins. Maybe this will really reduce my plate portions, I already cut them in half from when I came back from helsinki, and if I can cut that and drop down to 95lbs I will super delighted!!!!!! meh... only lost 10 pounds... 35 more pounds to lose! fucking F! im a cow!.... but no one else is, yea total mirror distortion everyone is prettier and look good in any size, but not me, beauty is a bag of bones to me

yea leenstar has issues... but thats how you should love me even with all of my defualts its what makes me.

Showing Local bands support - PIC HEAVY

leenstar — Mon, 19 May 2008 03:59:41 +0000

click the image to see it larger, this saves your RAM to load

yea some might go into my gallery here.... save space!

pink vd shirt, MT tag!

So... saturday 5.17.08 I was at Saturate, Dine Alone, & LSPS's show, not bad pretty cool stuff. well there was one other band but I didnt care for it at all!
Got lost looking for the place, havent been there in forever, even with getting lost and making a gaint loop I was still early... waited for my Inie, text god to come as well. Tag the bathroom with VD's web link

tag tag! i even handed out a few MT's stickers for people to check out her bands

Drank 2 jacks&coke, Vodka&coke, and 1 beer... suuper stong drinks... yes i love american mix drinks!... finlands mix drinks are weak!!!! My coke & vodka was awsome half the cup was just vodka! fuck yea.... ok back to the concert, watched the bands, photographed... need to drink less to get more decent shots... haha i could see whne I sobered up each time since the shots got clearer...

Saturate: myspace.com/saturatemusic

Dinealone: myspace.com/dinealone

Lonestar Pornstar: myspace.com/LSPS

sdrawkcab

leenstar — Sat, 17 May 2008 04:45:04 +0000

yawyna sdrawkcab kniht od I… sdarwkcab gnitirw ekil leef I

no not really but i can Its fucking cold in the house, and I am jammed in my typography design assignment.

Today I was told the smile in my eyes is gone and now they are just dark when I look at him. I didn’t know I smiled with my eyes…. Hmm... i dont know... i feel different about allot of things, I want to escape allot more than before thats for sure.

one soul please....

leenstar — Mon, 12 May 2008 21:22:22 +0000

i feel out of place today, like a part of me just dropped off this part of the world.
an empty missing feeling... not a void in my heart {that thing is useless anyway} but into the core of who i am, the part that makes me. it's a strange suffocating feeling, and an urge to pack up and run away and not return, ... but leenstar has more responsibilities than a daycare center. I do not want to bound, i dont want to be a mother anymore {to a child}, I want to drown upside down and not worry about those it effects, but being part of the ripple is hard to not cause that reaction. What happened since i went to sleep last night and now....

It's like how in Tegan & sara's "you went away" lyrics says"
" Well I don't think we have to be like this forever
Is there more to life than love and being together?"

or

in apocalyptica's "I dont care":
"I try to make you see my side
I always try to stay in line
But your eyes see right through
That's all they do"

it seems like to make an aileen you need:
an apocalyptic heart
a soulless soul
a mind of a artist
a camera
a paintbrush
cat hair
dog hair
birds feathers
blood of the earth
3 drops of maganeta dye
broken mirror peices

let it sit till it rots {within moments}
thats an aileen

i hope all of you are ok.... since i would rather stay sad/depressed/sick to make sure none one of you not suffer or hurt.

the universe is in my favor tonight

leenstar — Thu, 08 May 2008 04:28:37 +0000

yes thats right mars finally moved back into my system no more emotional/disaster mercury!
So it's weird I was just thinking how much I miss my friends and start to text a few and the rest text me!

*feeling loved*
i wub my friends

send me text it will make me happy....
unless you dont have my number haha