octodexy

I got up yesterday morning, and the world didn't feel right.

I thinkit's the realization that this isn't a safe place anymore. The worldsuddenly got a lot smaller, and a lot more clear. It's not as great asone would think it would be.

That's scary.

Today, though, Ithink that the most scary thing that has ever happened to me, happened.I don't know if I understand what happened, entirely. I know what happened. I just don't understandwhat happened. It's strange, because I was so worried about L, becausehe swims so well, but can't tread water. I was watching him so closely.If I had been at any other part of the lake, it wouldn't have been ok. <!-- end enclosure -->

I was standing on a floating pier in the middle of the lake that wehad our field trip at, just to do a head/face check of my kids. To makesure they were with their buddies. S,L, and M were on a paddleboat,they were fine. A, and C were playing on the giant planet thing in themiddle of the lake. J and E were making some kind of sand castle/moatthing.

I was so worried about about L drowning, that I just wantedto make sure, and only he and S were on the paddleboat still. M was inthe water, I saw him bob under once. Not a big deal, we were swimming.I thought he was swimming. I kept watching to makesure, and he came up again, but this time he was screaming. The kind ofscream where you know that it's not going to get better, and he wasjust thrashing at the water.

In my head it seems like thishappened for a long time. I yelled "M?!?!" His eyes were so big, and hewas screaming still, and he just went under. He was screaming so loud,I heard him from across the lake.

I looked at the life guard,who was just staring at him from her fucking chair. I was alreadydiving, but I remember feeling sick. I wondered if we would all have toget out of the pool if I threw up. That seems weird now.

I loveswimming, I'm good at it. I have a strong stroke. I've never swam fast,I've always been one of those people that just plugs along. My bodyhurt with how hard I was trying. My body feels like it's melting, mychest hurts. I think I pulled a muscle trying to pull him back into theair.

I don't know how I got there so fast, I was just thinking about how far I thought he was from me.

He was closer than I thought, I think. I crashed into him under the water.  I've never seen someone look so scared.

Iam not a strong person. I have no upper body strength. Yet, I somehowmanaged to pull my 80 lbs camper out of a fucking lake without dying.He wasn't making it easy, either. He's okay, I'm okay. Then he puked upat least a quarter of a gallon of lake water, on me.

I'm not mad though.