Psychoma

Yesterday was one of those days when I missed my father so extremely much. I got a weird idea and decided to google him. After reading a couple of articles and In memoriam texts about him I was crying my eyes out. For a moment I got mad at myself for torturing myself on purpose but after a while I realized those actually were happy tears.

My lovely little dad who was anything but perfect but whom I still love so much it hurts. He fucked up a million times, hurt my mother,  hurt my brother, hurt me. He had a lot of problems to handle with, and unfortunately most of them he wanted to keep inside him and let them just grow bigger and bigger. But no matter what he always, ALWAYS made me feel safe and I never doubted his love.

I'm a lot like my father was. Oh yeah, borderlining depressed mental cases, both of us. But reading those articles kind of gave me a kick in the ass. Eventhough there was a chaos inside his head, he did succeed, his work and career were extremely appreciated by people, he was loved and known as an empathetic and warmhearted man among his friends and co-workers. He was able to be proud of himself.
Goddamnit, I can do that too. Everything is not destroyed because of my fucking diagnoses, unstable mind and ghosts from the past. I often do feel like a complete failure. But if I work hard enough, one day I'll prove myself wrong.

I sound almost disgustingly  positive but believe me I'm terribly sad today (for reasons I won't write here). But that's just how things are. No optimism, no pessimism, just realism.