Psychoma

Stupid little smile, bright tiny voice, trying to hide my shaky hands.
Smiling, smiling, smiling for fucks sake smiling.
A new dress, flowers in my hair. Looking all cute is good. Isn't it?
No. Wishing I could dig a hole into the ground and disappear.
Running to the bathroom to take more diazepam. Oh no, to add some lipstick.
Scared scared scared. So fucking scared I can't find words to describe it.
Nonono, I'm not fucking going to show to them I'm scared.
I don't even know what the hell I'm so scared of.
I'd bitchslap myself if it didn't look a bit too fucked up.

Remembering my red-painted lips and keeping that stupid little smile.
Cursing "Shit, I hate this fucking allergy" when I feel tears burning holes into my eyelids.
"I really hope I'll get in and start studying this autumn" I say with my ridiculously excited voice.
I always sound like a kid when I'm excited.
For real, I'm a master of pretending.
For real, I want to run away as fast as I can.
Away from myself, that is.