psychoma: Blog

I stole a survey from Kiri.

psychoma — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 20:49:59 +0000

1) Single, Taken, Naked, or Flirty? Something between single and taken, I guess.

2) Are you happy with that? Usually yes, sometimes confused.

3) Would you kiss your ex? Now? No.

4) Have you ever had your heart broken? Oh YES.

5) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is ok? No.

7) Have you ever talked about marriage with another person? I've been engaged, so yes.

8) Do you want children? I'm not sure right now. If I'm ever getting my mental health back then yes for sure.

9) How many? One or two.

10.) Would you consider adoption? Yes yes yes.

11) If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? Honesty is great.

12) Do you want someone you can’t have? Weird enough, no.

13) Have you fallen in love? A few times, madly. I love and hate it.

14) Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries? Yeah, why not. I'm celebrating anniversaries with some special people, they don't even have to be loves, crushes or partners.

15) Do you believe that you can change for someone? I did. But that change didn't last.

16) Is it a good day? It's a better day than yesterday was.

17) Have you ever broken a heart? A couple of times.

18) Does your ex still have feelings for you? Hmm, no?

19) Do you believe in long distance relationships? I don't know. I think distance can be even good, in the beginning. But missing someone so much it hurts is often unbearable.

20) Have you ever said 'I love you but Im not in love with you'? Yep, a couple of times.

MAD WORLD.

psychoma — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 19:14:03 +0000

When I was walking home last night I was talking on the phone just to feel safer. And just because of that I didn't notice someone had been following me probably all the way. I noticed him when I opened the door to our house and still didn't understand anything. Just thought he would live in this house aswell. So suddenly I felt him pushing me to the elevator, pushing me towards the wall and groping me between my legs and touching me everywhere. I freaked out and kicked him and managed to get out and then he pushed me in there again. I kicked and kicked and screamed and screamed and luckily managed to get out again and ran up the stairs like I have never ran before. He followed but I was faster and managed to get into my apartment.
The hysteria hit me right away and I was crying and shaking surely for four hours in a row.
Went to the police in the morning however and filed a report.
God I am disgusted.

RIP GRANDMOTHER.

psychoma — Sat, 24 May 2008 18:01:26 +0000

I was supposed to come and visit you on Wednesday and you died on Tuesday.
I was late. And nothing is worse than being late.
I didn't come to visit you earlier eventhough I knew you were doing very very bad.
The honest reason is that I'm a coward; I'm dead scared of sick and dying people.
I did the same mistake once again and I REGRET it, so fucking much.

I loved you. I love you.
At your funeral, I'm going to talk about the wild strawberries, your huge button collection that I always played with when I was a kid, your understanding eyes, your bright singing voice and your warm hand holding mine when you knew I was about to fall apart.

Rest in peace.

ABOUT LONELINESS.

psychoma — Fri, 02 May 2008 15:22:51 +0000

You can be lonely even when you are loved by so many people.
Since you're still not anybody's "one and only".

I agree with Anne Frank's grandmother.

VISITING THE SCHOOL.

psychoma — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 19:02:11 +0000

Stupid little smile, bright tiny voice, trying to hide my shaky hands.
Smiling, smiling, smiling for fucks sake smiling.
A new dress, flowers in my hair. Looking all cute is good. Isn't it?
No. Wishing I could dig a hole into the ground and disappear.
Running to the bathroom to take more diazepam. Oh no, to add some lipstick.
Scared scared scared. So fucking scared I can't find words to describe it.
Nonono, I'm not fucking going to show to them I'm scared.
I don't even know what the hell I'm so scared of.
I'd bitchslap myself if it didn't look a bit too fucked up.

Remembering my red-painted lips and keeping that stupid little smile.
Cursing "Shit, I hate this fucking allergy" when I feel tears burning holes into my eyelids.
"I really hope I'll get in and start studying this autumn" I say with my ridiculously excited voice.
I always sound like a kid when I'm excited.
For real, I'm a master of pretending.
For real, I want to run away as fast as I can.
Away from myself, that is.

FAIL.

psychoma — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 19:20:16 +0000

I just realized how very little I know about you.
How very little you want me to know about you.
And you are one of the few people I really want to know everything about.

ARGH, SUIT YOURSELF KIRSI.

psychoma — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 14:58:36 +0000

I'm sitting here my ass glued on the chair an hour after an hour.
Crying how my foot and every single other part of my body hurt so badly. Well BUUHUU WHO CARES. Noone forced me to get fucking shitfaced and roll down the stairs.

PS. Alcohol is dangerous.

ALEXANDER JUST MADE MY DAY.

psychoma — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 12:58:00 +0000

I mean how is it possible to receive this kind of message without having a huuuge smile on your face?

"I miss my Kirsi.
She is lovely.
I love her.
She has got applecheeks.
And long legs.
And long fingers.
And juicy lips.
And an ass made to slap around.
And long toes."

Haha, I'm laughing so much. He surely is one of my dearest friends.
An excellent photographer aswell btw. Go and check his stuff!
http://www.alexanderbergstrom.com/

LOVE YOU PEOPLE. :D

psychoma — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 16:06:53 +0000

Oh my, I love everyone today.
But some people I love SUPER MUCH.

Go check out the adorable queen of the Trig if you for some fucked up reason still haven't!
http://trig.com/kiriaki

Kisses to everyone!
Now I'm going to spoil myself with some fine wine and Indian food.

CHILDHOOD FEAR.

psychoma — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 14:26:59 +0000

www.postsecret.com

NOUVELLE VAGUE.

psychoma — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 13:50:22 +0000

In Stockholm, on the 11th of April. Can't wait can't wait can't wait! <3
Join me?

ESAIAS ORCHESTRA.

psychoma — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 17:31:34 +0000

http://www.myspace.com/esaiasmusic

He's an ANGEL.
Exposure Fade is pure love.

CURRENT MOOD.

psychoma — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 12:29:11 +0000

HOUSE MD says:
stfu
HOUSE MD says:
girls + alcohol = 13 year old-stylish insanity followed by days of self pity.

HEARTBEATS.

psychoma — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 21:39:58 +0000

Last Friday I joined dear Alinah to the doctor and heard her little babyboy's
heart beating. I cried happytears. Just like I do now when I'm thinking about it. <3

OHH I MISS PARIS. AND GUI'S HONESTY!

psychoma — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 00:22:52 +0000

This ass kicking by Gui that I got some months ago when I was hospitalized still warms my heart. <3 I love his honesty.

Gui says:
Did you drink ???
FUCK IT !!!
Why the fucking hell did you do that for ?
I can't understand why so gifted people ruin their live with shit like alcohol.
We don't NEED this shit to kill ourselves.
Life 's tough enough.
Kirsi says:
I know I know I know. I'm stupid. But that's gonna change.
I'm trying my best.
Gui says:
I guess you said that before. So don't say it. DO IT.
No more talk, just ACTION.
Don't TRY, SUCCEED !
Everyday is exactly the same.
You know what babe ?
When you are done with your drinking problems and freaking out, you won't ever have to listen to that song I sent you.
Right now it's still true that "you can't have friends"
but you'll be so different someday soon enough.
Everyone will FIGHT to have you as a friend.
You'll be a princess babe.
Not a fuckhole.
And then you'll be so proud of yourself.
Everyone will be babe.
And we'll celebrate with water. Plain mineral water.

I'm still a fuckhole, btw.
But princess...one day, I promise!

HAHA.

psychoma — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 23:27:57 +0000

You gotta laugh when you're the joke.

I'M JUST NOT ABLE TO.

psychoma — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 00:19:55 +0000

She asks THE QUESTION all over again.
"No, never in my life, never". I answer and look down, tears are burning under my eyelids and I blush because I feel ashamed.
"You are crying, talk to me please."
"I'm not fucking crying! I have nothing to say anymore, I'm sorry." I sit 40 minutes quiet, look down, feel humiliated, my shaky fingers play with my messy hair.

I can write IT all over again but I'm not able to say IT at loud. Ever.

KIRSI SAYS: WELL IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU HURT ME, I HAVE MY PILLS.

psychoma — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 19:50:23 +0000

It's pretty sad that every single time someone or something hurts me I try to numb myself.
It's pretty sad that not being able to face and deal with things makes me an addict.
It's pretty sad I don't remember the last time I've felt totally and completely happy sober.
It's pretty sad how much I want to live and feel alive while I at the same time wish I will become a totally heartless careless meaningless empty shell.
It's pretty sad how much I want to change things, change myself and fucking get out of
this downward spiral.
It's pretty sad I fail at it all over and over again because I'M PRETTY SAD.

THERAPY SESSION THIS MORNING.

psychoma — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 11:09:02 +0000

I have rats crawling inside me, they are pressing against my chest so hard it’s hard to breathe, crawling up to my throat to choke me down.
I want to throw up. I want to throw up the rats out. I want to throw up my FUCKING HEART out. I want to throw up all these goddamn emotions and feelings out. All this anxiety. Lunacy. Nightmares. Self-hate. Throw up throw up throw up throw up. So much till there is nothing left inside me.

Kirsi the next step is psychosis. Kirsi you must sleep. Kirsi you must take your medicine. Kirsi there are no rats crawling inside you. Kirsi you imagine. Kirsi you must get a grip. Kirsi you are losing your touch to reality. Kirsi we will help you.

How the fuck will you help me? More drugs and mentalhospitals, like always?
I'm broken and you can't fucking fix me by numbing me with pills or locking me in to some institute.
So shut up. This IS reality. As real as it can be.

I want to throw it up.

ABOUT MY FEAR OF AMPUTATION, HAHA.

psychoma — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 13:43:38 +0000

Kirsi says:
Last new years eve I was wearing new shoes. It was snow and slippery like hell so I was falling around 79 times. And they were hurting me like hell, the shoes. So I took them off and walked all around Helsinki without shoes. I was sure my poor feet would get amputated.
When I was a teenie I had a really fucking good looking ass, for real. It was winter and I was dead drunk and went to pee to some forest. Fell down on the snow and couldnt get up. Was lying there a long time till my friend comes and yells at me that my ass will have to get amputated if I dont get up, and damn I got up quickly!

Blueskatt says:
HAHAHA!
I LOVE you and your stories.

OH MERRY CHRISTMAS.

psychoma — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 21:42:09 +0000

My mother called me to tell my uncle has given my Christmas present to her already. Apparently he has cancer, it has spread and and he is afraid he wont be alive anymore when it's Christmas.

I'm dead scared of sick and dying people. I'm dead scared of losing people.

But right now I'm so calm it's almost frightening.

MY FRIENDS ARE GETTING MARRIED, I'M JUST GETTING DRUNK.

psychoma — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 19:25:09 +0000

That's how I feel today.

My friends are buying own apartments, finding love of their lives, getting married, oops suddenly getting pregnant. Oh the joy!
Graduating from universities, starting their careers, succeeding.
Becoming somebodies, fucking doing something with their lives.
Telling how fucking grown-up they are, how they are challenging themselves, how they have figured out the meaning of life that doesn't even exist.

They are moving on, running away from me and I am still right here.
Mentally paralyzed.

A freakshow.

A bad fucking joke.

Hahaha.

Suicide Suspension..I WANT I WANT I WANT!

psychoma — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 19:55:02 +0000

Mitt hjartað, slá. Ufið hár.

psychoma — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 19:36:01 +0000

Sigur Rós is a piece of heaven.

ONE DAY.

psychoma — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 17:27:44 +0000

Yesterday was one of those days when I missed my father so extremely much. I got a weird idea and decided to google him. After reading a couple of articles and In memoriam texts about him I was crying my eyes out. For a moment I got mad at myself for torturing myself on purpose but after a while I realized those actually were happy tears.

My lovely little dad who was anything but perfect but whom I still love so much it hurts. He fucked up a million times, hurt my mother, hurt my brother, hurt me. He had a lot of problems to handle with, and unfortunately most of them he wanted to keep inside him and let them just grow bigger and bigger. But no matter what he always, ALWAYS made me feel safe and I never doubted his love.

I'm a lot like my father was. Oh yeah, borderlining depressed mental cases, both of us. But reading those articles kind of gave me a kick in the ass. Eventhough there was a chaos inside his head, he did succeed, his work and career were extremely appreciated by people, he was loved and known as an empathetic and warmhearted man among his friends and co-workers. He was able to be proud of himself.
Goddamnit, I can do that too. Everything is not destroyed because of my fucking diagnoses, unstable mind and ghosts from the past. I often do feel like a complete failure. But if I work hard enough, one day I'll prove myself wrong.

I sound almost disgustingly positive but believe me I'm terribly sad today (for reasons I won't write here). But that's just how things are. No optimism, no pessimism, just realism.