Rock Show Power Hour

Kijiji the Garage Sale Killer

Until recently I was unaware of the dominance and strength of the mighty Kijiji.  While I was slaving away working my man-ass off at the Rock Show Power Hour Studio an entire web world of bargain-bartering and greed was being created just outside the door.  Little did I know that the missing piece to my 1988 Milton Bradley board game Clue, (I lost the plastic white rope.  I think I swallowed it on a dare), was waiting out there for me in some forty-something soccer mom's treasure chest of missing toys and Chatelaine magazines.  The first thing I did when I was introduced to Kijiji the-Garage-Sale-Killer was type in the word "underwear" due to my lazy and desperate need of clean unmentionables.  I had been crawling around like a commando for weeks!   After hitting the return key I entered a state of shock. For right before my eyes were a dozen or so people selling their used man-panties and lacy lady coverings to the highest bidder.  After seeing this I began to get curious about what other wares these poor crazy people would peddle.  I found that these demented dealers were selling sailboats, toe-rings, cactus plants and empty cereal boxes.  After perusing through many comical commodities, stumbling around this site, I unearthed the greatest item of all.  People.  By way of the perverse personal ads citizens of many cities are selling themselves to each other not for money, (although there was one guy who was willing to pay a man or woman to smell their feet), but for close casual encounters and maybe a bedroom favour in exchange for a car part or used dish towel set.   After reading a few postings by these lonely people I thought that it was sad what they would say to get people to contact them.  How lonely these strange souls must be to lie about themselves to get attention.  I wiped tears from my eyes and kept reading only to find out that all these Kijijijites are idiots.  Like this guy;

I never do this but I can't get you out of my mind I was in the CIBC and couldn't help notice your staring at me.  You are dark haired tall and absulty gorgous.  We locked eyes only for a moment but that was long enough for me to know your the one.I know you felt it too we had an immediate connection.  Our two herts united in that moment and now I long to make my heart whole again.  If you are interested in life long love and pleasure please please don't leave me hangng write me and ill make all your dreams come true.[i]

Sorry Desperate Dan.  I know that with your grade two education, judging by your spelling, that you think you are smart and sexy but I do not think that there is a mindless maiden out there that would respond to this.  Or is there?

 

My eyes were burning after scrolling through scores of statements from sex starved simpletons, (alliteration for 2000 Alex), so I decided to embark on a pilgrimage of sorts to find out what kind of weirdoes would willingly hook up with a stranger from Kijiji.   I recruited by best friend in the whole world, and the underworld, Seymore von Sausagen II to create a profile for me and post personal ads in the degenerate domain.  He posted the first one in the "Missed Connections" category;

 

Fast Food Fun

I was at McDonalds last night around 7:00 nibbling on some McNuggets when I saw you sitting down by the bin full of balls.  You unwrapped your cheeseburger so seductively that I had to keep staring.  It was when, after your second bite, the mustard stained your chin that I knew that I was in love.  I could not approach you because I was dining with my girlfriend.  If she wasn't there I would have let you put your hands on my hot apple pie.  If you read this please contact me. [ii]   

 

Seymore posted the second ad featuring some of his pet peeves in, "Casual Encounters";

 

Ladies Fashion

I am looking for a casual encounter with a sexy single lady who has a specific fashion sense.  The four things I am looking for in a woman are one who wears; Socks with sandals, fanny packs, jeans without back pockets and Crocs(Dawgs).  A woman who wears all or a combination of these items would really turn me on.  If you wear these things and are looking for a good time please email me!  Please. [iii]

 

After posting these ads we cracked open a couple of tallboys and waited for a response.  We were not disappointed.  Within the hour we had our first repulsive reply;

 

FROM:---------@mail.usask.ca

You can resond to---------@mail.usask.ca by replying to this email

 

Hi, That was me by the balls!  I love to nibble!!  Especially on ur hot apple pie.  Mustard ist the only thing that stains my chin;)

I hope to hear from u soonnnn...

Janiquoi

 

In hindsight we should not have posted these ads.  Now, when I am outside of the studio, my house or Seymore's trailer that is parked in my driveway I feel unsafe.  These people are among us and it scares me more than not knowing if the white rope is still inside me, stuck in my small intestine waiting to sneak up to hang my spleen.  You may think Kijiji is all that and a bag of salt and vinegar chips but knowing what I know now I will stick with making fun of freaks at the travelling circus and local yard sales.  If you sell things on Kijiji the wakadoos will pick up their purchases at your house, where at a garage sale you get to steal stuff[iv] at theirs. 

 

Hank