The Jono

Thanks to my friend Ping for sending me this:

"What club flyers really mean when they say..."

"All ages" = as if telling someone's age in zombie inspired make up and near
dark conditions weren't difficult enough already

"All night long" = or until 2 a.m. when the city's bar closing ordinance
kicks in, which ever comes first

"Blisspop" = we made up this genre just to see if you were paying attention
to our flyer

"Costume Contest" = be prepared to hear at least three different DJs spin
"Everyday is Halloween" and claim they didn't hear it when the other DJs
played it

"Dark Alternative" = we have no idea what to call half the songs we're going
to play tonight

"Dark/Fetish attire encouraged" = if you pretend to be a goth, we'll pretend
to play goth music

"Darkwave" = we think this is somehow related to goth

"Deathrock" (when placed last on the list of music genres) = we'll play that
song by the Virgin Prunes, but you have to listen to 3 hrs. of VNV Nation
before we get to it

"Deathrock" (when placed first on the list of music genres) = we'll play two
Rozz era Christian Death songs in a row at some point during the evening

"Deathrock/Psychobilly/Horror Punk" = we hope you like songs about zombies,
dead girlfriends and spooky things in the woods enough to listen to 4 hours
of them

"Deathrock/Punk/Old School Goth" = we firmly believe the only music worth
listening to was recorded between 1977 and 1983

"Deathrock/EBM" = never draw up a flyer when you're high on crack

"Deathrock/Metal" - never draw up a flyer when you've doing crystal meth for
5 days straight either

"Dress code is black" = the people who come here don't know enough about
Goth to know what to wear so we have to remind them

"Dress to impress" = the court order regarding cameras in the Club was
lifted after the lawsuit was settled out of court

"EBM" = like techno, but with less musical ability and more glow sticks.

"80's" = we hope you like "Karma Chameleon" a lot because we have 13
different versions of it

"Electro" = *beep* music

"Enjoy our drink specials" = our landlord turned off the air conditioning so
it gets really hot in here

"Ethereal" = we own the entire Cocteau Twins back catalog

"Experimental" = Synth-punk performed by people don't know how to play an
instrument, but it sounds classier if we call it "Experimental"

"Fetish wear encouraged" = lots of *oontz oontz* music, latex club wear, and
a some guy running around with a whip

"$5 cover before 10 p.m." = the cops never show up to raid the place before
11 p.m.

"Free give aways" = we still have lots of "Saw II" and "the Hills Have Eyes"
posters left from last year's give away

"Full Bar" = our bar is twice as big as the dance floor

"Futurepop" = music not good enough to be classified as "EBM"

"Glam" = in case you thought deathhawks, ripped t-shirts and torn fishnets
were too modest of a fashion statement

"Go Go Girls" = our music will sound better if you're staring at a half
naked chick

"Goth" = our DJ knows who Peter Murphy is

"Gothic Industrial" = lots of *oontz oontz* music, latex club wear, and some
girl with big, poofy pigtails running around with a couple of glow sticks

"Harsh EBM" = when regular EBM isn't awful enough

"Impressive selection of beer" = just in case anyone ever comes to a Goth
club to be impressed by the beer, we've got you covered

"Industrial Decadence" = overweight EBM chicks in midriff baring fetishwear

"Just off the freeway" = we're located next to the abandoned medical waste
disposal plant in a section of town not patrolled by police

"Legendary" = selling my soul for a steady club night 23 yrs. ago seemed
like such a good idea at the time...

"Live Bands" = real musicians aren't embarrassed to be seen in our club with
our patrons

"Mash Ups" = someone got a Mac with Garage Band for their birthday, but
can't figure out how to use it

"New Romantic" = Adam Ant, Duran Duran and, ahhh, ummm, errr.... more Adam
Ant and Duran Duran

"Neofolk" = Der Furher's music, unplugged

"No Cover Charge" = our venue is a classic dive bar with a decent sound
system

"Nu Wave" = I'm 2 lazy to spel check my flyerz be4 I hand them oot

"Old School Punk" = we specialize in mohawks and mosh pits

"Old School" (genre unspecified) = we bought a crate of vinyl at a garage
sale

"Our DJ brings you the best in..." = our DJ will spin whatever his
girlfriend left him after they split up

"Old School Goth" = our DJ's roommate went to school with Peter Murphy

"Plenty of available parking" = the neighborhood is so bad that no one is
else is willing to park on the streets here

"Powernoise" = we play music so obnoxious that even the rivetheads will
complain

"REAL Alternative" = our DJ interned at KROQ

"Remixes" = someone got a Mac with Garage Band for their birthday and
figured out how to use it

"Remodeled" = they painted the walls after they were closed down for health
code violations

"Request Night" = we got off work late and didn't have time to come up with
a proper setlist

"Retro" = Our DJ found a bunch of 80's comps at a second hand store and most
of them aren't too badly scratched

"Smoking Patio" = forget about sneaking in through the back exit

"Two dance rooms" = our Gothic Industrial club plays both kinds of music,
gothic and industrial

"Underground" = our DJ really likes She Wants Revenge

"Indie" = Our DJ eventually got burned out on She Wants Revenge and is now
on an Interpol kick

"Vampire" or "Vampiric" = douchebag or douchebagic

"Vendors" = we have a girl selling bat-themed jewelry and spiderweb
necklaces at a table next to the dance floor

"VIP Lounge" = in case the people on the dance floor weren't pretentious
enough for you

"We spin vinyl" = our DJs are damn good!

"With a little booty hip hop to mix it up" = no matter how drunk you get,
you're going to regret coming here for years to come

"WiFi" = because the only thing geekier than dancing at a Goth club is
surfing the web at a Goth club