Blog post 'Why Not Archbishop Macarios?'
Why Not Archbishop Macarios?
- Published: 482 days ago
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Warning: This blog contains numerous dick jokes and one Reading Rainbow joke. If this offends you please feel free to send me a rambling and angry message. In fact I encourage it. This blog is also very long. That might be the first penis joke right there, so let’s get started.
Pornography now composes only about one percent of total internet content. This is what I have been told. This information is second, possibly third hand, and I have made absolutely no attempt to validate it in any way. That being said the e-universe does seem to be a bit smut-thin these days. So what happened? What is happening? Are people using the internet (I shudder at the thought) for the free and large-scale transfer of information?
I don’t know what to say about a world in which Bill O’Reilly’s website gets more hits in a day than all of Reverse-Aardvark-Fisting sites combined get in an entire year. However most of the of those viewers have subscriptions to both sites.
The dissemination of information Donkey Punches the insemination of busty housewives and fragmentary clips of scissor-legged, mutual lesbian stimulation.
I’m not entirely sure what to make of this. Have we, as a people, grown bored of masturbation or did we simply hit and pass the peak; Sometime in the late 90’s the content of internet pornography had become so far reaching, obscure, strange, disgusting and…well, fucked…that we actually reached the point where we’d seen video of every conceivable sex act we ever wanted to see. Is that what happened? Even so there must be thousands of youngsters out there who discover e-porn every week. So I doubt that theory can be substantiated. Now I’ve come around - back to the beginning. Are people now using the internet in a purely platonic, puritan exchange of entertainment and communication? Do people really do that?
It’s at this point that, while writing, I look up at the computer screen. With a few dozen clicks I’ve discovered and deleted an inbox full of emails for dick enlargement, enhancement and or flaccidity preventions drugs. I used to get emails from busty, blonde bisexual, college co-eds with low standards. Now all I get are messages from Doctor Phallic telling me my penis is too small. Remember, if you want some to buy you’re product, negative reinforcement is best. So I gather that Americans are still as sex-obsessed as we’ve ever been. Someone’s still churning their own butter. Someone’s fucking someone and, more probably, lot’s of someones are fucking lot’s of other someones.
Maybe there is less porno on the internet but there’s as much sex as there’s ever been. The difference now is not the subject but the way that subject is approached. Horny folks still need the internet. People still have to get on to get off but the reason isn’t exactly the same. Much more than a simple erotic aid the internet has upped it’s credentials. Once a stripper now a sex therapist…psychologist…doctor…pharmacist. The internet, though still largely interested in our sex lives, is shifting it’s focus. Once upon a time the web wanted help you to get on with yourself. Now it’s trying to help you get on with somebody else. It’s as if the girl at the massage parlor decided to stop giving you happy endings and instead is giving you books to teach you how to do it yourself at home; and herbs to increase efficiency. Maybe that metaphor is a little hard to grasp…
I guess this is as good a time as any for a long digression. The best thing to come out of all this is advertising. If you never read any of the emails you get for any type of “enhancement” drugs I encourage you to do so occasionally. Whether you’re male or female (as I get a few breast enlargement emails now and then, I’m sure the ladies out there get some cock-pill emails) pick one out next time and read it. There’s entertainment to be had in those things. To me the real highlight is the language. Since the invention of Viagra the American advertising agencies have revived my interest in penile euphemisms. Dork, Dobber, dong, doodle, dingle, dick, ankle spanker, and Little bishop in a turtle neck. Of course these days most of the bishops in America are sporting the v-neck instead.
The cure for our collectively limp lampposts brought a strange and unwelcome challenge to the advertising agents of the world. How do sell a dick pill for the dick without actually saying the word dick? What’s more than that, I have yet to see an advertisement on American television which actually use the word penis. What’s wrong with the word penis? It’s medical enough and we all played the game “Penis Louder” in school. Didn’t we? An odd set of circumstances really; The largest pharmaceutical companies have there own advertising gurus but it doesn’t seem like they were up to this most recent of challenges. The man, who yesterday, was writing a jingle for anti-depressants and shooting second unit footage for cholesterol reducers; today he’s working on dick. He wants to talk to you about your dick but really…you two don’t even know each other and he’d better broach the topic as delicately as possible. So the ad-men found themselves between a rock and hard on. How do you advertise a drug for the dick if you aren’t even willing to refer to the dick.
Of course Americans seem to be more than a little uncomfortable with the penis outside of joke form. The advertisers don’t want to offend anyone so they’ve come up with several not-so-subtle ways to talk about what their drugs are for. They’re not pills to stiffen your stinger, they’re pills to give you that extra boost of confidence.
Boost of confidence? I’ve never understood that one. Sure, having a bigger broadsword will likely up your confidence in situations where you are about to have, are having, or trying to have sex but does that confidence really carry over to anything else? I don’t understand exactly how having a longer lap-lizard will help you pick up women. If you’re, say, at a bar trying to pick up a lady for later sexual servicing how do you explain the greater size of your situation? You might be able to walk right up to her and say, “I have a foot-long wiener,“ and you’ve got your coital liaison for the night. But while the girl that this line works on will undoubtedly screw you without question, she will also be giving you one, if not many, forms of venereal disease and the pharmaceutical companies have got you once again. It’s the gift that keeps on giving but the people you give it to rarely thank you afterwards. Assuming then, that you aren’t looking to get herpes, you’ll have to rely on your innate ability to pick up women until the time for showing her your shwartz is more appropriate. Women often say they really like a man who shows he has confidence. Now, this maybe true but it’s not the whole truth. Confidence alone won’t get anywhere. Hitler was really confident. Maybe one of the most self-confident people in history, but I‘m guessing that he might have some trouble scoring dates with dames at the local sock hop. It’s not enough to have the confidence to say something. You also must have something to say. A moron with a large penis is still a moron, and will only be able to score the caliber of women which any other moron can. The playing field is even to men of all lengths. Essentially, unless you live in a nudist colony your genital girth will not assist you in picking up chicks.
So what about the rest of the time? Every day life. Will a weighty willy help me out in any of my daily activities? As a male who does not have a fifteen inch pincher I can’t say for sure but it seems like it would be of little help while I’m waiting in line at the DMV. Like I said, I’m not qualified to say that it wouldn’t. Perhaps if I whipped it out everyone would be so impressed that they’d let me go to the front of the line.
I remember one specific commercial used the phrase “extra boost of confidence at work”. Now if you’re a porn star, then I’m sure, hugely hung would lead to success but what about the rest of us? Do stock brokers buy and sell based on the bang in their boxers? How about an author? “Maybe I do have the biggest dick in the board room but is that really going to help me sell this idea I have for a new cookbook aimed specifically at Pakistani hermaphrodites?” For this to work you must have a job in which you penis plays a prominent role. So in reality the confidence that a larger member gives you at work is proportionally limited by the amount of your work that you can accomplish directly with your penis.
The most disturbing possibility of all is that this might be true for some men: the thought of having a bigger digger gives them a feeling of confidence in every situation. If this sounds like you, you might have a problem. If your level of self-worth and social comfort in any situation is based mainly on relative penis size then you may not be as well adjusted as your high school guidance counselor led you to believe. If this thought gives you confidence at a business meeting then there are some other pills you should be taking as well; Because this means that you think about penis a lot. It means that for most of the day, you‘re thinking about other men‘s members. As an example let’s say you are at a board meeting. In order to get a boost of confidence from your ying (or is it yang?), no matter how big your own penis is you have to try and guess at the relative penis sizes of all other men present - Unless you know for sure how big your employer’s dick’s are, in which case your promotion will probably not be based upon your level of confidence or actual work performance.
This is a point at which breast enhancing drugs and penis enhancing drugs differ greatly. While the concept seems roughly the same, the result is not. A woman, who has taken pills or had surgery to enlarge the size of her breasts can easily compare the size of said breasts to any other woman she sees. Unless a woman is specifically trying to hide her knockers anyone can get a pretty good idea of their general size. Two women in an office probably have a pretty good idea of the size of each other’s breasts without even having to seen one another in their underwear. However, there is no way, short of pulling it out, that a man (or woman) can have any real idea of how large another man’s matador is. So you would either have to ask to see it or just take a guess. I can think almost nothing that is more homoerotic than a man who constantly wonders about the size of other’s men’s penises. In short, if you’re a man who thinks about cock all the time you’ll probably want to get on the phone and order yourself some Enzyte.
With all this cock talk I feel I would be remiss if I didn’t say a word or two about Ron Jeremy. I hate to say it, but I think Ron is trying to fuck the American consumer. I’d like to think that I can trust Ron. He wouldn’t lie to me, especially where my nether matter is concerned. I can’t say that I have ever been in a situation who’s outcome was decided by the honesty of Ron Jeremy but, for whatever reason, I’d like to think that he’s a standup guy. At the least he was honest enough not the shave his back hair or even do the occasional sit-up. I respect that. I think. But now…I think he’s trying to give me and every other American male, the short end of a very long stick.
Mr. Jeremy has an infomercial. I haven’t seen it on for some time so I’m not very sure if the product still exists. The product is a phallic enlarging, topical solution; Or to be more clinical, cock cream. Ron says that if you use his special scientific lotion as a lubricating agent during regular (almost militaristically scheduled) spanking sessions, that said penis (hypothetically, your penis…if you have one) will dramatically increase in size over time. To simplify: You jerk off with this lotion and your prick gets bigger.
The infomercial itself is rather poorly produced and scripted. I watch a lot of infomercials, many of which are terrible, so believe me when I say that this one is not good. However, most of you will probably not have seen this particular infomercial. So unlike Levar Burton you’re going to have to take my fucking word for it. I wish Ron Jeremy had gotten together with Ron Popeil. Ron Popeil could produce Ron Jeremy’s jerk juice infomercial and Ron Jeremy could be the spokesman for Ron Popeil’s new line of professional-grade turkey basters.
The second thought I had while watching Ronny J’s infomercial was more scientific. A cream that you rub on your Robinson to make it bigger? Fair enough…but…wouldn’t your hands get bigger as well? Increasing the size of your willy must be in demand but what kind of market is there for all natural hand enlargement?
Is your sign language all it could be?
Do you ever feel embarrassed while making shadow puppets?
Would you like to have the added confidence and self esteem that comes from having longer, thicker phalanges?
On the plus side it may actually help you at work if you have a job that requires manual labor or perhaps, a lot of typing.
I was greatly perplexed by this question. I watched the entire infomercial in the hope Ron would allay my suspicions. He never did. Ron and his fellow porn star co-hosts read letters from customers and took calls from potential ones. No one said, “but my hands also got bigger“; No one asked, “don’t you’re hands get bigger”. It never came up. (That was a pun, just in case you missed it. If you did you should reread the last few sentences and then laugh. Wouldn’t want to miss out would you?)
Now, the more perceptive, or demented, of you may already be ahead of me. If you are, good. It took me months to realize this one. If the cream does indeed work and your Buddy Holly becomes the Big Bopper, you’ll probably need bigger hands. After all, the larger the skyscraper the larger the scaffolding needs to be. If your Johnson jumps dramatically in size you’re going to want your hand to be bigger to accommodate - so that you can continue enjoying yourself in the manner to which you’ve gown accustomed. You can control a garden hose with one hand, without even really trying; but a fire hose needs three or four people on it just to prevent if from hurting someone.
A symbiotic increase in hand size means more than this however. It would also address a problem I brought up earlier. Namely the problem of confidence. That you will never be able to tell if you’re the one in your office with the biggest dick. If your hands also increased dramatically in size while using Ron’s cream than at least you would know if there was anyone else at your workplace who was also using the stuff. If Richard in the mail room suddenly starts carrying all the big boxes to your office with one had then you might not be the only rooster with a booster and it’s time to plan the destruction of Richard - before he gets to that new intern who, everyone’s been saying, is still a virgin.
So maybe Ron’s cream does work and maybe the old axiom about the size of a man’s hands will hold true. You girls out there will have to keep a look out. If you see a guy who can palm a medicine ball you might want to let him buy you that drink after all. You should, however, ask him why he brought a medicine ball to a bar and if he could please put it back where he found it. The time may now be upon us when the size of a man’s hands are directly proportional to the size of the charges on his credit card bill made out to Ron Jeremy.
Let's shift gears. I want to end this here sex and dick blog on a slightly serious note. It probably won't work but I'm going to give it a shot anyway. Yep. You guessed it. I'm going to talk about the Hijab. For those of you who aren't down: "Hijab" is the term used by many Muslims to describe the required female head cover that may or may not include covering their face except their eyes, and sometimes covering also one eye.
We all know what this is. We've all seen it whether in real life or on television, in movies, etcetera. The shawl that Muslim women are, in some parts of world, required to wear. Immediately the concept of this kind of dress code doesn't seem wholly crazy. The idea behind it is that women should dress modestly. But to Americans this much modesty seems unnecessary. Even…well, ridiculous: A woman being required to cover every part of her body, except her eyes, while in public. I hope you would all agree with me that some amount of modesty in public dress is necessary for everyone. We shouldn't all be running around naked, or even mostly so. The problem is that the hard-line Muslim view of this concept goes too far. It's taken something as largely trivial as dress to the realm preventative medicine. Think of it like this. The classic female Muslim attire is, by all other cultural standards, far beyond modesty. It's one thing to say that woman should not go topless in the senate (Sorry Mr. Kennedy) or men, wear assless chaps in the house of representatives (Sorry Mr. Foley) but it's something else entirely to say that you should never be able to see a woman's ear lobes. The idea does not seem to be in the interest of decent behavior. At least not directly. The only conceivable reason for making women dress this way is to eliminate the possibility of men being sexually aroused by the sight of woman's…you fill in the blank. But, is it possible to become sexually excited by a woman's hair. How can you become sexually aroused by a woman's elbow? Aparrently the religious leaders of Islam think you can. It's counter intuitive really. Basically what this law is saying is that men are so insatiably horny that if they see the top of a woman's head they'll be jerking off during morning prayers. That's their idea; that men cannot, and should not have any degree of responsibility over their own sexual urges. That it is the responsibility of woman to keep men from wanting to fuck them. Think of the female Muslim dress a big black, itchy, prophylactic. If a man sees a woman's knees, he has to fuck her. Oddly enough, in the Muslim world it seems, that women don't suffer the same affliction. While there is a male Muslim dress code, it is no where near as restrictive. Women are, in fact, able to look at a man's neck and not want to have sex with him. Perhaps men are hornier than woman but we're not that much hornier.
Americans don't come out of this squeaky clean either. We're on the other end of the spectrum. When it comes to sex the Muslims have their extreme and we have ours. If they have taken Puritanism to new heights then we have hedonism to new lows. (at least as low as it's been in 1000 years) In America it's hard to get away from sex. It's everywhere. It drives the motivations of virtually every high school and college student. It drives a good portion of our economy. Sex takes precedent over talent and intelligence. Speaking of just that I keep waiting for Paris Hilton to come out with her own breakfast cereal.
It may be of some interest that one of the things the have suicide bombers do right before their bombing is to show them American pornography. I guess it whips them up into a religious frenzy. I don't know what that means - what we're suppose to learn from that. Probably nothing. It's just something I thought of. Figured I'd put it down. I can't figure out everything for you. Besides, you shouldn't be seriously listening to anything I say. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Now, I'm not saying we all need to be saints but maybe we could tone it down a bit. It's as if we're trying to catch up to ancient Rome in general, and specific, filthiness. Neither am I saying that I'm immune. I enjoy a good naked, lesbian, hot oil, mud orgy as much as the next guy but I shouldn't be watching that all day. I should so something else. You can have too much of a good thing. See: The Berenstain Bears: Too Much Birthday. If I see an attractive girl lying on her front lawn in a bathing suit that probably wouldn't have passed as underwear thirty years ago, I'll take a look and be glad that I saw it but that girl should probably change clothes before she goes to her morning civics class. There is a certain dichotomy in that. Speaking for myself, I like to see girls dressed up dirty but the nastier the girl is dressed the less respect I have for her. Those crotchless panties may get my attention but I'm not going to invite the girl in them to Thanksgiving dinner. Well actually, I probably would - but then I‘m not quite all there. What I mean to say is that we must strike a balance somewhere between sexiness and classiness. It's quite possible to achieve both at the same time but you do have to try. Americans aren't so keen on trying these days. It's something we should work on. The classier you bitches act, the more we'll respect you and the better we'll treat you as a result. Just a thought.
So I guess we're all still pretty sex obsessed. Whether we're spending long hours trying to get laid or hours more downloading porno. Whether we're publicly stoning prostitutes or wrapping our wives up in a black plastic sack before they goes to the market. Our filthy nature was never really in danger and it certainly isn't in danger now just because there happens to be a lot of non-porn on the internet. Slowly we try to catch up to Rome but we've got a long way to go. Those folks were some pretty nasty mother fuckers. I'm not even going to tell you about the kind of shit the ancient Egyptians did.
Now, let's all play a good, old-fashioned game of penis louder. I'll start.
Penis
I did an internet search while writing this blog as I was unsure how to spell ‘Berenstain Bears‘. That’s how the internet told me to spell it. Berenstain. I could have sworn it was Berenstein. Did they change it? Was there a problem with the name Berenstein? Was it a Jewish thing?
Pornography now composes only about one percent of total internet content. This is what I have been told. This information is second, possibly third hand, and I have made absolutely no attempt to validate it in any way. That being said the e-universe does seem to be a bit smut-thin these days. So what happened? What is happening? Are people using the internet (I shudder at the thought) for the free and large-scale transfer of information?
I don’t know what to say about a world in which Bill O’Reilly’s website gets more hits in a day than all of Reverse-Aardvark-Fisting sites combined get in an entire year. However most of the of those viewers have subscriptions to both sites.
The dissemination of information Donkey Punches the insemination of busty housewives and fragmentary clips of scissor-legged, mutual lesbian stimulation.
I’m not entirely sure what to make of this. Have we, as a people, grown bored of masturbation or did we simply hit and pass the peak; Sometime in the late 90’s the content of internet pornography had become so far reaching, obscure, strange, disgusting and…well, fucked…that we actually reached the point where we’d seen video of every conceivable sex act we ever wanted to see. Is that what happened? Even so there must be thousands of youngsters out there who discover e-porn every week. So I doubt that theory can be substantiated. Now I’ve come around - back to the beginning. Are people now using the internet in a purely platonic, puritan exchange of entertainment and communication? Do people really do that?
It’s at this point that, while writing, I look up at the computer screen. With a few dozen clicks I’ve discovered and deleted an inbox full of emails for dick enlargement, enhancement and or flaccidity preventions drugs. I used to get emails from busty, blonde bisexual, college co-eds with low standards. Now all I get are messages from Doctor Phallic telling me my penis is too small. Remember, if you want some to buy you’re product, negative reinforcement is best. So I gather that Americans are still as sex-obsessed as we’ve ever been. Someone’s still churning their own butter. Someone’s fucking someone and, more probably, lot’s of someones are fucking lot’s of other someones.
Maybe there is less porno on the internet but there’s as much sex as there’s ever been. The difference now is not the subject but the way that subject is approached. Horny folks still need the internet. People still have to get on to get off but the reason isn’t exactly the same. Much more than a simple erotic aid the internet has upped it’s credentials. Once a stripper now a sex therapist…psychologist…doctor…pharmacist. The internet, though still largely interested in our sex lives, is shifting it’s focus. Once upon a time the web wanted help you to get on with yourself. Now it’s trying to help you get on with somebody else. It’s as if the girl at the massage parlor decided to stop giving you happy endings and instead is giving you books to teach you how to do it yourself at home; and herbs to increase efficiency. Maybe that metaphor is a little hard to grasp…
I guess this is as good a time as any for a long digression. The best thing to come out of all this is advertising. If you never read any of the emails you get for any type of “enhancement” drugs I encourage you to do so occasionally. Whether you’re male or female (as I get a few breast enlargement emails now and then, I’m sure the ladies out there get some cock-pill emails) pick one out next time and read it. There’s entertainment to be had in those things. To me the real highlight is the language. Since the invention of Viagra the American advertising agencies have revived my interest in penile euphemisms. Dork, Dobber, dong, doodle, dingle, dick, ankle spanker, and Little bishop in a turtle neck. Of course these days most of the bishops in America are sporting the v-neck instead.
The cure for our collectively limp lampposts brought a strange and unwelcome challenge to the advertising agents of the world. How do sell a dick pill for the dick without actually saying the word dick? What’s more than that, I have yet to see an advertisement on American television which actually use the word penis. What’s wrong with the word penis? It’s medical enough and we all played the game “Penis Louder” in school. Didn’t we? An odd set of circumstances really; The largest pharmaceutical companies have there own advertising gurus but it doesn’t seem like they were up to this most recent of challenges. The man, who yesterday, was writing a jingle for anti-depressants and shooting second unit footage for cholesterol reducers; today he’s working on dick. He wants to talk to you about your dick but really…you two don’t even know each other and he’d better broach the topic as delicately as possible. So the ad-men found themselves between a rock and hard on. How do you advertise a drug for the dick if you aren’t even willing to refer to the dick.
Of course Americans seem to be more than a little uncomfortable with the penis outside of joke form. The advertisers don’t want to offend anyone so they’ve come up with several not-so-subtle ways to talk about what their drugs are for. They’re not pills to stiffen your stinger, they’re pills to give you that extra boost of confidence.
Boost of confidence? I’ve never understood that one. Sure, having a bigger broadsword will likely up your confidence in situations where you are about to have, are having, or trying to have sex but does that confidence really carry over to anything else? I don’t understand exactly how having a longer lap-lizard will help you pick up women. If you’re, say, at a bar trying to pick up a lady for later sexual servicing how do you explain the greater size of your situation? You might be able to walk right up to her and say, “I have a foot-long wiener,“ and you’ve got your coital liaison for the night. But while the girl that this line works on will undoubtedly screw you without question, she will also be giving you one, if not many, forms of venereal disease and the pharmaceutical companies have got you once again. It’s the gift that keeps on giving but the people you give it to rarely thank you afterwards. Assuming then, that you aren’t looking to get herpes, you’ll have to rely on your innate ability to pick up women until the time for showing her your shwartz is more appropriate. Women often say they really like a man who shows he has confidence. Now, this maybe true but it’s not the whole truth. Confidence alone won’t get anywhere. Hitler was really confident. Maybe one of the most self-confident people in history, but I‘m guessing that he might have some trouble scoring dates with dames at the local sock hop. It’s not enough to have the confidence to say something. You also must have something to say. A moron with a large penis is still a moron, and will only be able to score the caliber of women which any other moron can. The playing field is even to men of all lengths. Essentially, unless you live in a nudist colony your genital girth will not assist you in picking up chicks.
So what about the rest of the time? Every day life. Will a weighty willy help me out in any of my daily activities? As a male who does not have a fifteen inch pincher I can’t say for sure but it seems like it would be of little help while I’m waiting in line at the DMV. Like I said, I’m not qualified to say that it wouldn’t. Perhaps if I whipped it out everyone would be so impressed that they’d let me go to the front of the line.
I remember one specific commercial used the phrase “extra boost of confidence at work”. Now if you’re a porn star, then I’m sure, hugely hung would lead to success but what about the rest of us? Do stock brokers buy and sell based on the bang in their boxers? How about an author? “Maybe I do have the biggest dick in the board room but is that really going to help me sell this idea I have for a new cookbook aimed specifically at Pakistani hermaphrodites?” For this to work you must have a job in which you penis plays a prominent role. So in reality the confidence that a larger member gives you at work is proportionally limited by the amount of your work that you can accomplish directly with your penis.
The most disturbing possibility of all is that this might be true for some men: the thought of having a bigger digger gives them a feeling of confidence in every situation. If this sounds like you, you might have a problem. If your level of self-worth and social comfort in any situation is based mainly on relative penis size then you may not be as well adjusted as your high school guidance counselor led you to believe. If this thought gives you confidence at a business meeting then there are some other pills you should be taking as well; Because this means that you think about penis a lot. It means that for most of the day, you‘re thinking about other men‘s members. As an example let’s say you are at a board meeting. In order to get a boost of confidence from your ying (or is it yang?), no matter how big your own penis is you have to try and guess at the relative penis sizes of all other men present - Unless you know for sure how big your employer’s dick’s are, in which case your promotion will probably not be based upon your level of confidence or actual work performance.
This is a point at which breast enhancing drugs and penis enhancing drugs differ greatly. While the concept seems roughly the same, the result is not. A woman, who has taken pills or had surgery to enlarge the size of her breasts can easily compare the size of said breasts to any other woman she sees. Unless a woman is specifically trying to hide her knockers anyone can get a pretty good idea of their general size. Two women in an office probably have a pretty good idea of the size of each other’s breasts without even having to seen one another in their underwear. However, there is no way, short of pulling it out, that a man (or woman) can have any real idea of how large another man’s matador is. So you would either have to ask to see it or just take a guess. I can think almost nothing that is more homoerotic than a man who constantly wonders about the size of other’s men’s penises. In short, if you’re a man who thinks about cock all the time you’ll probably want to get on the phone and order yourself some Enzyte.
With all this cock talk I feel I would be remiss if I didn’t say a word or two about Ron Jeremy. I hate to say it, but I think Ron is trying to fuck the American consumer. I’d like to think that I can trust Ron. He wouldn’t lie to me, especially where my nether matter is concerned. I can’t say that I have ever been in a situation who’s outcome was decided by the honesty of Ron Jeremy but, for whatever reason, I’d like to think that he’s a standup guy. At the least he was honest enough not the shave his back hair or even do the occasional sit-up. I respect that. I think. But now…I think he’s trying to give me and every other American male, the short end of a very long stick.
Mr. Jeremy has an infomercial. I haven’t seen it on for some time so I’m not very sure if the product still exists. The product is a phallic enlarging, topical solution; Or to be more clinical, cock cream. Ron says that if you use his special scientific lotion as a lubricating agent during regular (almost militaristically scheduled) spanking sessions, that said penis (hypothetically, your penis…if you have one) will dramatically increase in size over time. To simplify: You jerk off with this lotion and your prick gets bigger.
The infomercial itself is rather poorly produced and scripted. I watch a lot of infomercials, many of which are terrible, so believe me when I say that this one is not good. However, most of you will probably not have seen this particular infomercial. So unlike Levar Burton you’re going to have to take my fucking word for it. I wish Ron Jeremy had gotten together with Ron Popeil. Ron Popeil could produce Ron Jeremy’s jerk juice infomercial and Ron Jeremy could be the spokesman for Ron Popeil’s new line of professional-grade turkey basters.
The second thought I had while watching Ronny J’s infomercial was more scientific. A cream that you rub on your Robinson to make it bigger? Fair enough…but…wouldn’t your hands get bigger as well? Increasing the size of your willy must be in demand but what kind of market is there for all natural hand enlargement?
Is your sign language all it could be?
Do you ever feel embarrassed while making shadow puppets?
Would you like to have the added confidence and self esteem that comes from having longer, thicker phalanges?
On the plus side it may actually help you at work if you have a job that requires manual labor or perhaps, a lot of typing.
I was greatly perplexed by this question. I watched the entire infomercial in the hope Ron would allay my suspicions. He never did. Ron and his fellow porn star co-hosts read letters from customers and took calls from potential ones. No one said, “but my hands also got bigger“; No one asked, “don’t you’re hands get bigger”. It never came up. (That was a pun, just in case you missed it. If you did you should reread the last few sentences and then laugh. Wouldn’t want to miss out would you?)
Now, the more perceptive, or demented, of you may already be ahead of me. If you are, good. It took me months to realize this one. If the cream does indeed work and your Buddy Holly becomes the Big Bopper, you’ll probably need bigger hands. After all, the larger the skyscraper the larger the scaffolding needs to be. If your Johnson jumps dramatically in size you’re going to want your hand to be bigger to accommodate - so that you can continue enjoying yourself in the manner to which you’ve gown accustomed. You can control a garden hose with one hand, without even really trying; but a fire hose needs three or four people on it just to prevent if from hurting someone.
A symbiotic increase in hand size means more than this however. It would also address a problem I brought up earlier. Namely the problem of confidence. That you will never be able to tell if you’re the one in your office with the biggest dick. If your hands also increased dramatically in size while using Ron’s cream than at least you would know if there was anyone else at your workplace who was also using the stuff. If Richard in the mail room suddenly starts carrying all the big boxes to your office with one had then you might not be the only rooster with a booster and it’s time to plan the destruction of Richard - before he gets to that new intern who, everyone’s been saying, is still a virgin.
So maybe Ron’s cream does work and maybe the old axiom about the size of a man’s hands will hold true. You girls out there will have to keep a look out. If you see a guy who can palm a medicine ball you might want to let him buy you that drink after all. You should, however, ask him why he brought a medicine ball to a bar and if he could please put it back where he found it. The time may now be upon us when the size of a man’s hands are directly proportional to the size of the charges on his credit card bill made out to Ron Jeremy.
Let's shift gears. I want to end this here sex and dick blog on a slightly serious note. It probably won't work but I'm going to give it a shot anyway. Yep. You guessed it. I'm going to talk about the Hijab. For those of you who aren't down: "Hijab" is the term used by many Muslims to describe the required female head cover that may or may not include covering their face except their eyes, and sometimes covering also one eye.
We all know what this is. We've all seen it whether in real life or on television, in movies, etcetera. The shawl that Muslim women are, in some parts of world, required to wear. Immediately the concept of this kind of dress code doesn't seem wholly crazy. The idea behind it is that women should dress modestly. But to Americans this much modesty seems unnecessary. Even…well, ridiculous: A woman being required to cover every part of her body, except her eyes, while in public. I hope you would all agree with me that some amount of modesty in public dress is necessary for everyone. We shouldn't all be running around naked, or even mostly so. The problem is that the hard-line Muslim view of this concept goes too far. It's taken something as largely trivial as dress to the realm preventative medicine. Think of it like this. The classic female Muslim attire is, by all other cultural standards, far beyond modesty. It's one thing to say that woman should not go topless in the senate (Sorry Mr. Kennedy) or men, wear assless chaps in the house of representatives (Sorry Mr. Foley) but it's something else entirely to say that you should never be able to see a woman's ear lobes. The idea does not seem to be in the interest of decent behavior. At least not directly. The only conceivable reason for making women dress this way is to eliminate the possibility of men being sexually aroused by the sight of woman's…you fill in the blank. But, is it possible to become sexually excited by a woman's hair. How can you become sexually aroused by a woman's elbow? Aparrently the religious leaders of Islam think you can. It's counter intuitive really. Basically what this law is saying is that men are so insatiably horny that if they see the top of a woman's head they'll be jerking off during morning prayers. That's their idea; that men cannot, and should not have any degree of responsibility over their own sexual urges. That it is the responsibility of woman to keep men from wanting to fuck them. Think of the female Muslim dress a big black, itchy, prophylactic. If a man sees a woman's knees, he has to fuck her. Oddly enough, in the Muslim world it seems, that women don't suffer the same affliction. While there is a male Muslim dress code, it is no where near as restrictive. Women are, in fact, able to look at a man's neck and not want to have sex with him. Perhaps men are hornier than woman but we're not that much hornier.
Americans don't come out of this squeaky clean either. We're on the other end of the spectrum. When it comes to sex the Muslims have their extreme and we have ours. If they have taken Puritanism to new heights then we have hedonism to new lows. (at least as low as it's been in 1000 years) In America it's hard to get away from sex. It's everywhere. It drives the motivations of virtually every high school and college student. It drives a good portion of our economy. Sex takes precedent over talent and intelligence. Speaking of just that I keep waiting for Paris Hilton to come out with her own breakfast cereal.
It may be of some interest that one of the things the have suicide bombers do right before their bombing is to show them American pornography. I guess it whips them up into a religious frenzy. I don't know what that means - what we're suppose to learn from that. Probably nothing. It's just something I thought of. Figured I'd put it down. I can't figure out everything for you. Besides, you shouldn't be seriously listening to anything I say. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Now, I'm not saying we all need to be saints but maybe we could tone it down a bit. It's as if we're trying to catch up to ancient Rome in general, and specific, filthiness. Neither am I saying that I'm immune. I enjoy a good naked, lesbian, hot oil, mud orgy as much as the next guy but I shouldn't be watching that all day. I should so something else. You can have too much of a good thing. See: The Berenstain Bears: Too Much Birthday. If I see an attractive girl lying on her front lawn in a bathing suit that probably wouldn't have passed as underwear thirty years ago, I'll take a look and be glad that I saw it but that girl should probably change clothes before she goes to her morning civics class. There is a certain dichotomy in that. Speaking for myself, I like to see girls dressed up dirty but the nastier the girl is dressed the less respect I have for her. Those crotchless panties may get my attention but I'm not going to invite the girl in them to Thanksgiving dinner. Well actually, I probably would - but then I‘m not quite all there. What I mean to say is that we must strike a balance somewhere between sexiness and classiness. It's quite possible to achieve both at the same time but you do have to try. Americans aren't so keen on trying these days. It's something we should work on. The classier you bitches act, the more we'll respect you and the better we'll treat you as a result. Just a thought.
So I guess we're all still pretty sex obsessed. Whether we're spending long hours trying to get laid or hours more downloading porno. Whether we're publicly stoning prostitutes or wrapping our wives up in a black plastic sack before they goes to the market. Our filthy nature was never really in danger and it certainly isn't in danger now just because there happens to be a lot of non-porn on the internet. Slowly we try to catch up to Rome but we've got a long way to go. Those folks were some pretty nasty mother fuckers. I'm not even going to tell you about the kind of shit the ancient Egyptians did.
Now, let's all play a good, old-fashioned game of penis louder. I'll start.
Penis
I did an internet search while writing this blog as I was unsure how to spell ‘Berenstain Bears‘. That’s how the internet told me to spell it. Berenstain. I could have sworn it was Berenstein. Did they change it? Was there a problem with the name Berenstein? Was it a Jewish thing?
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(your blogs always entertain and enlighten.)
You should write more often ;-)