xpranksx: Blog

Pleasures For Pain

xpranksx — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 17:50:28 +0000

Cool still October mountain air

Consumed a breath at a time

Replenished by another

Cool perfect refreshing clear

Entranced by the full moon

Enthralled by its presence

My insignificance shown

The rustic cabin refuge

A rickety deck

The night’s thin cloak

On my bare chest

Inside a warm fire burns

Crawl for me there

On your hands and knees

Before the rocky fireplace

The bright moon watches

Through the windowpane

Pleasures for pain

Compliment

xpranksx — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 16:38:08 +0000

So I was out late last night checking out bands and I saw my super hot friend Kim who I haven't seen in a long while. Kim is totally gorgeous inside and out. She is sweet as sugar, really fun to be around, with a beautiful smile, perfect skin, a hot little body (she could use a little more ass, the girls got nothing back there). But I digress. After Kim gave me a big hug and bumped her boob repeatedly into my hand that was resting on the bar as we were talking she said, "Your hair is crispy and awesome!" What a great compliment from this beautiful girl. The only better compliment I can think of is something like, "Your dick is too big." I noticed Kim is back together with Mr. Clean. Mr. Clean is her on again off again boyfriend. I don't know his really name but he has a shaved head so I call him Mr. Clean. I got more great hugs from Kim when I was leaving. She didn't want me to leave. We didn't have much time to talk becuase of the loud music that's still ringing in my ears. I didn't get to bed until 2:00.

David Hasselhoff

xpranksx — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 18:28:42 +0000

This is a fake local German rock band Umlaut. They are really fun and funny. Here's their video for Don't Hassel Ze Hoff.

Bleach Kills DNA

xpranksx — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 15:39:42 +0000

1) Single, Taken, Naked, or Flirty? Constipated
2) Are you happy with that? A few shots of drain cleaner will clear that right up
3) Would you kiss your ex? With the back of a shovel
4) Have you ever had your heart broken? I’ve had a broken condum
5) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is ok? Well if your bored, tired of hitting the same thing every night, want some strange, or if you’re drunk most chicks would understand… I think.
7) Have you ever talked about marriage with another person? I’ve talked about a threesome and not the cool kind
8) Do you want children? Yes, then they can work on my large plantation for free
9) How many? 50 or 60 should work
10.) Would you consider adoption? Whoa, if you buy a used car you are just buying someone else’s problems
11) If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? Hell no, I don’t need that kind of pressure
12) Do you want someone you can’t have? Yes Jaime Murray
13) Have you fallen in love? With waffles, it was magical
14) Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries? Like of 911, not so much. It sucky enough the first time
15) Do you believe that you can change for someone? I hate when chicks want to tell me how to dress
16) Is it a good day? It’s a good day to die
17) Have you ever broken a heart? I think it was eating too much red meat
18) Does your ex still have feelings for you? Blow up sex dolls tell no lies
19) Do you believe in long distance relationships? Long distance relationships suck even if everyone has free long distance now
20) Have you ever said 'I love you but Im not in love with you'? I’ve said “now roll over bitch” several times in fact.

Why I Love It

xpranksx — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 23:29:38 +0000

There is such a strong connection between sex, seduction, desire, the allure of danger, pleasure, pain, biting, feeding, drinking, penetration, lust, surrender, animal insticts and partaking in the tabboo behavior of our culture. Plus it so well written. That is why I love True Blood.

We need a vamp smilie.

Complete the Sentence or Die!

xpranksx — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 15:34:53 +0000

1. I love... pussy & beer
2. Right now I want... to play naked in the fountatin at DIA
3. I feel like... The Nightstalker
4. I hate it when... a chick says "are you going to call me" before I even get my damn pants on
5. I fear... water chestnuts
6. I'm lonely without... HDTV
7. I need... Restless leg syndrome to improve my disco moves
8. Today I... brought a flame thrower to work
9. Tomorrow I'm... buying a trech coat so I can be a flasher
10. I just... sharted a little
11. I want to meet... Ted Bundy
12. I'm hungry for... waffles
13. I love it when... I can watch 5 hours of television without getting up to take a whiz
14. I'm afraid of... Canadian transvestites
15. I'm listening to... the micro supercollider in my pants
16. I'm wearing... a fushia unitard and I feel pretty
17. I wish I was in... chain maille
18. I'm craving... a wild night out surrounded by drunk chicks
19. I want to get... a urinary tract infection
20. I can... show you recent nude pictures of Gavin McCloud
21. I can't... hide my constant erection
22. I have... the ability to record 4 things at the same time to DVR
23. I haven't... seen a chupacabra... yet
24. I'm nervous when... I'm the new guy in a prison
25. My Mom thinks I... should grow up
26. My Dad thinks I... n/a
27. I think... vampires are sexy
28. I'm happy when... I stay out way too late
29. I'm sad when... commercials come on
30. I like eating... shrooms
31. I hate eating... water chestnuts
32. I love watching... Robot Chicken
33. I love listening to... porn
34. I like playing... Halo 3
35. I hate waking up to... a shemale
36. I can see... Cortana
37. I'm glad that... there is sunshine in my soul
38. I'm disappointed that...people still believe politicians
39. I look like... hammered spam
40. I wish... I was on the beach

True Blood Opening Credits

xpranksx — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 16:12:32 +0000

Music by Jace Everett

Gang Bang Chicken Survey

xpranksx — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 19:41:47 +0000

Some random girl comes up to you and says "who the hell are you"?
A kung fu cunt punk will shut her up

What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
Whale blubber, I’m on this new Eskimo diet to build up my winter fat reserves

What does your second to last incoming text message say?
“Bring all the sex oils”

If you hated someone and got put in charge of their funeral music, what would it be?
Something beautiful and fitting and then I would desecrate their grave site later.

Where is your best friend right now?
You don’t need friends if you have HDTV and PS3. Damn I wish I had an HDTV and a PS3.

What did you do yesterday?
Halucinagins

Pick a scar on your body, Where'd it come from?
Chest tube, tension Pneumothorax

What do you really think happened to Steve on Blues Clues?
He started an indie pop band because it was his only good chance at ever having sex without going to prison

Who is your most religious friend?
Jesus

Who do you trust with your life?
Pretty much any crack whore but I’ll only show my Pokemon card collection to three people on the planet

If you could change your name to anything what would it be?
Dash Riprock

What would you say if someone told you you were the most beautiful person in the world and they would do anything to wake up to your face each and every morning?
Kick them in the junk and run

What do you hate about your school?
Security, how am I supposed to attract high school chick with free booze when there’s always a cruiser in the parking lot.

How often do you curse?
I’m more into hexes actually

Do you trust all of your friends?
Only if they have boobs

Have you ever talked on the phone while in the shower?
I don’t like talking on the phone or being wet

Which one of your friends do you think would make a good prostitute?
Sylvia has a good hooker name but she doesn’t put out and I wouldn’t pay for it so…

Is there someone that popped in your mind after that question?
Matt the man-whore

Would you stop talking to your friends because you hooked up with a new person?
This is short bus stupid

Fill in the blank, I love ____
Pushup bras

What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
Perianal fisting champion of the world

If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call?
Rotor router

How many kids do you want to have?
My bodies not built for child baring, plus all that baby weight would go straight to my hips

Would you make a good parent?
I can make good nachos so I think I’m ready

Where was your default picture taken?
Uranus

Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
toenail fungus

If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
I would have invested in Amway before people found out it was a scam

Shoe size?
10 X 2

What are you wearing right now?
A paint can on my cock

Righty or Lefty?
Ask a one armed man

Can you make a dollar in change right now?
I can make urine stains on the carpet with real urine

Favorite jeans?
The hot chicks jeans on the floor next to my bed

Have you had the chicken pox?
I think it was one of the requirements to get into porn school

Have you had a sore throat?
She had a sore throat, I had a sore jaw

Ever had plastic surgery?
I carved up 30 or 40 of my sisters Barbie doll that’s normal, right?

Dave Navarro's Goatee Fucking Sucks

xpranksx — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 22:51:05 +0000

That's right it does!

The Funny Side Nude Skydiving

xpranksx — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 19:09:37 +0000

West nile Boogie Survey

xpranksx — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 15:49:31 +0000

What is the brand of underwear you’re wearing?
Just call me Commando Freeballer

What color are your nails?
Unpainted because I’m not a gay

What kind of car do you drive?
I have an environmentally friendly rickshaw runner

Do you straighten your hair?
My hair is naturally uncurly

What brand of shampoo do you use?
If you have cool fucking hair it doesn’t really matter what you use

Do you wear black or colors more?
Whatever I find on the floor that looks cleanish

Are you pierced?
I’m thinking of piercing my toe nails, all of them because I’m that hardcore

Are you in a serious relationship?
With the Victoria Secret catolog

Is your bra padded?
I could design a cool bra with exposed nipple cutouts for maximum enjoyment

Are you wearing diamonds?
I’m not a hip-hop wannabe doucher

Do you have perfume on?
Fragrance of Decomp

What color is your computer?
Fuchsia, it’s a life style choice

What does your mousepad have on it?
Mikheil Saakashvili & Dmitry Medvedev making out

What different colored flip flops do you have?
Tan for the hip & active beachgoer

Do you make hearts over your i's?
Hearts or bombs

Are you wearing eyeliner?
If I had a stylist named Diego I might

When was the last time you had your hair done professionally?
When my flowbee deluxe broke

Do you get manicures often?
Wow, that’s super gay, no thanks

How many boys do you have buying you things?
I totally need a sugar daddy

Do you pump your own gas?
I used to hire illegal Mexicans to do it for me but they never brought my car back

Do you put up your pinkie when drinking out of a glass?
Hu Jintao fingers himself... with more than his pinkie

How many times have you gone out for a meal this week?
143,018

Are you afraid of mice or spiders or both?
I’m afraid of transvestites

Does someone have to walk you to your car in the dark?
The Olsen Twins

Do you chew gum all the time?
I inhale cans of duster all the time

Do you prefer thongs, boyshorts or underwear?
Banana hammock

When was the last time you ate a doughnut?
My last beng & purge cycle

Are you addicted to iced beverages?
I’m addicted to Meth

Do you carry a purse?
It’s called Murse if you’re a dude

Does your cell phone have rhinestones on it?
Gayness

Do you use LOL, TTYL or any other silly abbreviations when you text?
That’s fabulously gay

Do you write in print or cursive?
Print with a crayon on extreme big lined paper

What girl can you relate to in the movie Mean Girls?
Never seen it but if I were a 13 year old chick I’d be all over that movie

Do you ever doodle your name with your crush's last name?
I think I can be honest here… I don’t understand this question

Would you ever buy clothes at Wal-Mart?
No but I would buy day workers in the parking lot of Walmart

Do you have or want any tattoo's?
Ok sure

Do you tend to have a "Flavor of the Month" or serious relationships?
More like flavor of the second

Describe your favorite shoes?
Umm, big black boots

Would you step on a roach with your bare foot?
It takes real talent to smoke a roach with using your toes

Could you do the stunts on Fear Factor?
Yeah, they are lame

When is the last time you had a latte?
Never in my life will I drink a latte

Topless Beach

xpranksx — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 20:18:52 +0000

I'm heading to Miami bright and early Monday morning. If you need me I'll be on the beach, topless, because I'm a dude. I'll be back the following week. Bliss!

Friday Fun

xpranksx — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 21:17:14 +0000

Friday night was great fun. Ms. X and I went to see Looker & Hellbound Glory play at Surf. I saw Lindsey, Alisha, Pam, Brad, Julie... the usual suspects. Hellbound Glory is a scumbag Country/Rockabilly band from Reno. They were a lot of fun. Ms. X is really into that kind of music so she had to buy everything they were selling. Plus she invited them to crash at her place. So after the show the dude grabbed his accoustic guitar and played songs in front of Surf. Then they followed us back to Ms. X's house. Then they played songs in Ms. X's garage/studio. Old sing along outlaw country songs from Johhny Cash, Hank Jr, David Allen Coe, Waylon Jennings, and so. I kept trying to get out of there but then they would say "one more song" & "don't you want hang out with Hellbound Glory?" And that kind of stuff. It was fun and I knew all the songs but I didn't get home until 3:30 on Saturday morning and after a long and busy work week I was ready to crash. Really fun night though.

Surveous Actualous

xpranksx — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 19:49:37 +0000

Are you an Aunt/Uncle?
I’m a Crunkle

Can you do a cartwheel?
I can do a Dirty Sanchez

What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
High Noon with Gary Cooper, II guess it’s been a while but I have weekend movie plans

Do you eat vegetables regularly?
Hmm, is tallow a vegetable?

Do you ever hang out with someone of the opposite sex?
If by “hang out” you mean have meaningless sex with then yes

What is something that you cant wait for?
Armageddon

How many times have you been to Canada?
Fuck Canada!

What is your favorite fruit?
Nathan Lane

What are you doing right now besides this?
Draft dodging

Where are you most ticklish?
My dick

Who's your number 1 on myspace?
see answer above

Do you have any deep dark secrets?
My experimental college years are my business!

When was the last time you were sick?
When I watched day time TV

How many siblings do you have?
A wayward half brother and one surviving step sister

Have you gotten caught sneaking out?
I’m sly

Did you ever try running away from home when you were younger?
No but I took an unauthorized trip on LSD

What makes you the happiest?
Duh, gratuitous sex but I like live music and guns too

How do you feel when you see a child at the store throwing a fit?
If it works for the kid I try the same tactic

Where do you want to be right now?
On the beach checking out fine Brazilian women

Have you ever finished a Rubik's Cube?
I pried the piece out that bitch and put them back together right

What is the last thing you drank?
A gallon of PCP and now I really have to piss

When was the last time you rode a bike?
Bikes are gay

Do you have any vacation plans for this summer?
Miami Beach, 11 days away

Who will be your next kiss?
I’m goona get freaky with Betty Crocker

Are you wearing socks right now?
Yes, I’m not a smelly Boulder hippie

When was the last time you went out of state?
Ask the FBI

Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
No but my dick weighs 175,000 Deutsche Marks

What were you doing before this?
Breast feeding

What are you wearing right now?
My ’80 Miami Vice costume

What was your last purchase?
I bought my own fleet of under age Mexican whores, I’m not great with the language but it’s easy because they are all named “Punta”

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
Nipple clamps

Three words to explain why you last threw up?
Morning sickness bro

What is the equation for the Pythagorean theorem?
The square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares on the other two sides.

A (squared) + B (squared) = C (squared) and no you will not need this stuff in real life

What is your favorite TV show?
The Shield

Do you like Scrabble?
I kick ass at Scrabble

Favorite scent?
Morbid obesity

Does your family own any boats?
I wish

Something you can't live without?
A boat

Do you have air conditioning in your room?
A little too much, my nipples are hard… and I like it

How often do you read books?
I don’t need my mind filled with a bunch of crazy ideas

How long does it take you to get ready to go out?
15 seconds which includes putting on my pants

Will you donate your organs after you pass?
I’ll donate my dick to a little Asian dude that wants to pack some serious heat

Done a good deed lately?
I didn’t beat up that drunk dude the other night that thought he knew me so yes

Survey-A-Go-Go

xpranksx — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 21:03:58 +0000

What is in the back seat of your car right now?
rohypnol, pepper spray, stun-gun, handcuffs, bullwhip, a ball-gag, duct tape and ru486

Name 3 people who made you smile today?
Hmm, Cara and that’s about it. Everyone else is being a dick today or ignoring me which is the same thing.

What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Working on my economic stimulus plan for the country which basically involves mass quantities of astro-glide and free porn delivered to every household in the country. This would affect people’s willingness to leave the house thus reducing fuel consumption and ultimately our dependence on foreign oil.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Solving the illegal immigration problem with my plan to invade fucking Mexico… you Canadian bastards are next!

What is your favorite board game?
I kill at Monopoly and Scrabble

What is the last thing you said aloud?
Woof

What is the best ice cream flavor?
Spanish fly

What are you wearing right now?
A red loin cloth and war paint

What was the last thing you ate?
PopaRie, because I like it dry and crunchy

Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
Spandex short shorts and thigh high tube socks

When was the last time you ran?
You can’t run from Gonorrhea

What's the last sporting event you watched?
Duh, the greatest sport ever… women’s beach volleyball.

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
The People’s Republic of Boulder to beat up hippies

Who is the last person you sent a message on myspace?
Umm, Alex I think

Ever go camping?
I like to pretend I’m camping when I wake up in the stand of Aspen trees in my neighbors yard

Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
My cookies

Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
Until some perfects the fuck off smiley face there’s not many options

Do you drink your soda from a straw?
There are too many variables involving fluid dynamics to find an easy way to drink breast milk from a straw

What did your last text message say?
Ask the FBI they collect, study and decode every text message sent

Are you someone's best friend?
Whoa, I don’t need that kind of pressure

What are you doing tomorrow?
Nude kayaking

Where is your mom right now?
At the hospital directing incoming calls

Look to your left, what do you see?
Omar al-Bashir

What color is your watch?
I have a red and black Punisher watch but it’s too big and I’m too lazy to get it sized so yeah

Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
Yes but I’ve never ridden Benazir Bhutto

Have you ever had your heart broken?
One day I’ll have quadruple bypass surgery and everything will be all better

Do you have a dog?
Corndogs are nasty!

Last person you talked to on the phone?
Jeremiah, was not nor has he ever been a bullfrog

Have you met anyone famous?
Like Pope John Paul the 2nd, no never

Any plans tonight?
Rush hour and full fontal nudity, yeah! I’ll be the naked dude on the side of the road

Are you happy?
As happy as a Tracheotomy!

Where are you right now?
I’ll give you a couple of clues, trench coat, digital camera with a super zoom lens, public swimming pool

Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
Having less than a million dollars by about a million dollars

Last song listened to?
Well if I was listening I would know the answer

Last movie you saw?
Beowolf, it kind of sucked ass

Are you allergic to anything?
Water chestnuts

Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
big black boots

Are you jealous of anyone?
Edgar Allen Poe, because chick dig him even though he fell in love with his then 7 year old cousin and then married her at age 13.
Creepy dude, creepy!

Is anyone jealous of you?
Kobe Bryant, because I don’t have to rape chicks to get booty

What time is it?
2:20

Do any of your friends have children?
Yes and some are even expecting

Do you eat healthy?
Why bother universal health care is on the way

Home Invasion, Drunk, Cops Weekend

xpranksx — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 16:49:09 +0000

I had some house guests this weekend. They went to a near by town to pick up a friend. I was expecting them back by about 1:00 a.m. I left the door unlocked for them about 12:40 and went to bed. They got back and knocked on my door and said, “Who’s sleeping on the couch?”

I was like, “What?”

“Yeah, there’s some guy sleeping on the couch. I’ve never seen him before.”

So I go out to the living room and there’s a dude on my couch that I’ve never seen before. I walk over by him and I can smell the booze right away. I tried to wake up the drunken guy but he wouldn’t wake up. I even called him by name, “Hey Drunk Guy (that’s what I named him), wake up!” And I shook him and stuff but nothing. His shirt was all wet with booze. Anyway, Chris calls the cops right away. What a pussy. There was three grown men there (and a few chicks too) we could have carried him out the yard. The sprinklers would have got him up at 4:00. Now if I would have caught him staggering in my door and still awake I would have likely kicked his ass and the problem would have been solved.

But any way the cops came. The first thing the cop did was push him off on the floor. It was funny. But it didn’t wake him up. The cop had to keep kicking at him and yelling at him to wake him up while he was shining a flash light in his face. Eventually, they got him up and outside. Drunk Guy had marker on his face and arms but it didn’t say anything. A phone number or address would have been helpful. He wasn’t wearing any shoes either but he had dirt socks on. The cop asked if we were sure that we didn’t know Drunk Guy, like we were playing a prank on a friend. I assured him that none of us had ever seen him before. Then the cop wanted to know if I wanted to do anything about him. But I said no just set him free into the wild. They were in the driveway for a while. It seemed like Drunk Guy wasn’t feeling too cooperative so I’m guessing he spent the night in jail anyway. So yeah that was weird.

Oh this is Drunk Guy.

Adult Playtime

xpranksx — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 17:51:10 +0000

It's seems obvious to me at some point in a relationship things can get a little boring, stale, routine and passionless. But it's good to be reminded once in a while that it doesn't have to be like that , not all the time anyway. I relaize it can't always be "fuel injected, passion erected" (stole this line from Billy Fuckin' Idol ~ Superoverdrive), high octane sex in a relationship either. However, it's great sometimes to have obscene amounts of wild and kinky sex that no priest, rabbi, minister, bishop, cleric, preacher, vicar, parson, reverend or other holy man could ever sanction or forgive. Fuck...(wait for it)... Yeah!

Can I get an Amen?

Crotch Grinding Survey Time

xpranksx — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 14:47:40 +0000

1) What does your MySpace headline mean?
It means I’m going to kick your ass

2) Elaborate on your default photo:
It’s a famous painting and renown Chilean artist and pedophile I think

3) How many comments do you have?
4 or 5 maybe

4) What's your current relationship status?
Swinging enough to prance through the toughest gay bars

5) Are you happy today?
If by “happy” you mean “bonerific” then yes!

6) Who will cut and paste this first?
Kristen Gilbert has some time on her hands

7) Someone with the same birthday as you?
Pete Rose

8) Have you ever sang in front of a large audience?
Yes, me a mic & 5,000 ravenous hockey fans

9) Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
My face kind of looks like Rosie's foot after walking around all summer without shoes

10) What is your favorite smell?
Cocaine

11) What’s the latest you have ever stayed up?
I’ve pulled an all night and I did it naked!

12) Have you ever been rushed to the emergency room?
Freebasing in the emergency room is a no no.

LAST:

13) Person you saw that isn't part of your family?
Mr.
Jensen

14) Talk on the phone:
Lauren

15) Hugged?
I’m not really the hugging type but if you talk sweet I might throw a brick at you

16) Text Message?
Would you believe Alex sent me a picture of herself complete nude? Well, it was worth a try…

17) Last song you heard?
Some shitty radio song that was so bad I repressed the memory of it

18) What are you doing now?
Building a mini log cabin out of pencils and pens

19) Tonight:
It’s gonna rain, I hope

21) What did you last eat:
Cereal with banana chopped up in it

TOMORROW:

22) Got any plans:
Sex and BBQ… maybe not in that order

23) Dislikes about tomorrow:
It’s not the weekend

24) Do you have to work:
I have to be awesome

CURRENTLY:

25) Thinking about someone:
Yes, and her boobs

26) Missing someone:
See above

27) Mood:
Fuck off!

28) Wanting:
A bad ass Marshall tube amp

29) Are you listening to music?
Not at the moment

30) Who did you ride in a car with last besides your family:
Some hitch hiker dude that smelled like apples

31) What were you doing at noon yesterday?
Nooner

32) Has anyone ever sang or played music for you personally?
How gay!

33) Ever wanted to be a teacher?
Yes I think I would make a great teacher at a porn school

34) Forgive people?
Life’s too short to forgive… wait do I have that right?

35) What do your cousins call you?
Potential dates

36) Has anyone ever told you they like you more than a friend?
This is a stupid questions and if anyone ever told me this I would punch them in the dick

39) Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
I believe things happen because the world is full of assholes

40) What's the weirdest thing you've heated up in the microwave?
Sex toys

41) What does your hair look like right now?
Ratty, spiky kind of bad ass

42) Has anyone disappointed you recently?
Ashley Dupre for suing Joe Francis for “ruining her reputation”. Honey that happened when you became a prostitute.

Righteous Survey Dudes

xpranksx — Thu, 29 May 2008 18:58:33 +0000

Your heart is racing, who are you standing next to?
The paramedic who just stabbed me in the heart with an amp of eppie

Have you ever been in trouble with the cops?
Since when is setting a cop car on fire a crime…

Someone just handed you $100,000 now what ?
Bankroll my own designer line of anal beads

Tears are falling from your face, what's the reason?
Mmm, tastes like pepper spray

You've won free gas for 5 years, Now what?
I give free gas huffing lessons to unemployed tweakers

You have to walk home from work, how long does it take?
Yeah, I don’t really walk except to the parking lot but if I had to do I’m guessing to would take 30 or 40 minutes

When someone texts you in the middle of the night, do you remember the conversation?
Only if they’re naked

Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?
Several in fact and I know why there are no volcanoes in Nebraska… because there are no virgins to sacrifice.

What are you doing today?
What ever the hell I want as long as it involves sitting at my desk pretending to look busy.

Do you like fish?
They don’t have a lot to say and the seem low maintenance so yes

What color are your socks?
Black & fuzzy like my fucking soul

When did you last receive some money?
I was rich for about 7 minutes last payday… ahh, good times

What are you craving right now?
Pussy & beer

When was the last time you cried?
When I was a baby

What is the last voicemail you received about?
A car in the shop

What kind of milk do you drink?
Breast milk, from a cow (skim) or light vanilla soy

What are you going to do after this?
Sending panties to the Burmese embassies and consulates because everyone knows joining kook fringe causes will stop senseless violence

What is something you need to go shopping for?
Industrial strength bondage gear

Same name as one of your relatives?
I don’t know what this means

What's been different this year?
The custom paint job on my ankle monitor

Meet anyone new this year?
I meet new people all the time. Only a few are special and memorable

Do you like pickles ?
I like napalm!

What color is your bedroom?
Plain and obscured in shadows like my life

Does someone like you now?
If you scour the globe past, present & future you might be able to come up with one person

Do you like anyone now?
Oh yeah, but what’s the point

Do you like the color green?
My snot use to be green but then the doctor gave me hardcore drugs and now I don’t have snot anymore

How many hours did you sleep for last night?
6 or more… don’t have anything better to do

Give me a random lyric from the song you're listening to?
“I'm strapped into my bed, I've got electrodes in my head.
My nerves are really bad, it's the best time I've ever had.”

Do you regret doing anything this week?
Do nothing, regret nothing

Last awkward moment?
I went to see some bands the other night and I got there and was surrounded by little hardcore scenester kids but no one was there to laugh at them with me

Would you cry if you found out you were pregnant?
Cry, no. But I would stop smoking hermorphidites

Have you been pressured to do anything recently?
Yeah to show up for work on time

Do you hate being alone?
I hate being addicted to Meth

Has anyone ever broken your heart?
I got kicked in the nuts once, I bet that’s about the same.

What did you last eat?
Chinese Food and my fortune cookie said, “You are a man of righteousness and integrity.” Wow, they know me so well.

Stupid thing you did today?
Got my hopes up

Awesome

xpranksx — Wed, 28 May 2008 20:04:43 +0000

I love these!

Half-Baked Survey

xpranksx — Wed, 21 May 2008 18:40:43 +0000

1: Do you kiss people when you're single?
I kiss people when I’m drunk!

2: What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
It feels like I’m on speed but it’s only a hardcore decongestant

4: How do you feel about the person who texted you last?
Irrelevant

5: Do you like your life as of now?
I haven’t liked my life since 1990

6: How's your heart lately?
Bloody and squishy

7: Where did your last hug take place?
I hugged Mary Jo Kopechne in a channel underwater, off Chappaquiddick Island when I drove off a bridge, oh wait that was Ted Kennedy 39 years ago and he bolted without a hugging or helping poor Mary Jo to safety and she drowned

8: Ever kissed someone who smokes?
I kissed someone on anti-depressants!

9: Are you a jealous person?
I would have to care to be jealous

10: Are you tired right now?
I should be because I haven’t slept but I’m twitching like a tweaker

11: Do you chew on your straws?
I chew on barbwire

12: Have you ever been called a tease?
I’ve been called a prick!

13: Last inbox message from?
Kimberly

14: Who was at your house last?
Emily was over last night, awkward…

15: Do you lead people on?
That’s what players do

16: Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
I’ve been horny for 48 days straight

17: Do you like to cuddle?
I like to overturn cop cars

18: Do you cry easily?
I grow awesome hair easily

19: Do you have any siblings?
I have a wayward half brother

20: What should you be doing right now?
What ever the hell I want!

21: Are you a heavy sleeper?
I’m a heavy drinker

22: When was the last time something bothered you?
This question bothers me

23: Where was your default picture taken?
I think Georgia O’Keefe painted it

24: Are you single?
I’m a swinger baby

25: Are you happy right now?
Happiness is for people in love

26: Where is your phone?
My boot is in your ass

27: Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?
I’ve proven that to myself

28: Do you like country music?
Some alt country is ok

29: Are looks important?
It’s a place to start

30: Have you ever had someone sing to you?
All the good looking chick singer I’ve seen are singing to me.

31: Are you mad at someone right now?
Madness is for crazy people

32: Do you believe in love?
I believe in lust

33: Was your last kiss a mistake?
Not exactly

34: Have you ever stayed up all night while drunk or high?
Not for a long time but I’ve stayed up all night sober way too many times

35: What makes you laugh no matter what?
People that enjoy American Idol

36: Have you kissed anyone on the lips within the past week?
No, germs

37: Who was the last person you talked to?
Erica

38: Name one person on your top friends who is the most like you?
Lindsey seems to think we are a lot alike but my lack of boobs seems to indicate that not to be the case

39: Do you get butterflies around the people you like?
No, I don’t like people, problem solved

40: Will you get married?
Not likely

41: Are you happy with yourself?
I’m happy with a brick in my hand

42: Would you change yourself for the person you love?
I would change my underwear for sure

43: Is there someone you want to fight?
I want to beat the shit out of that Billy Maze dude that’s always yelling about the next shitty product he’s trying to sell on TV

44: Do you wear the seatbelt in the car?
Almost never, fuck seatbelt laws!

Sloppy Seconds Survey

xpranksx — Fri, 16 May 2008 21:59:45 +0000

Have you talked to a complete asshole today?
I’m a complete asshole everyday!

What's the last thing you ate?
grilled chicken salad, it was kind of nasty

When did you last cry?
Crying is for pussies

Last movie you watched?
I watched the end of Henry Portrait of a Serial Kill, I’ve seen it a bunch of times but it’s a really cool movie

Do you have anything in your pockets right now?
I can reach into my pocket and grab my own junk

How many windows are open on your computer?
12 that way it looks like I’m really working

What do you hear right now?
One of those annoy loud motorcycles

How many hours did you sleep last night?
6 or 7 drug induced hours

Is something bothering you right now?
I thought I had Hydrocephalus but it turned out to be a really bad head cold

Last person you saw?
I snorted peanut shaving with Jimmy Carter about an hour ago and now I’m jonesin’ for a peanut butter sandwich

Who's the last person you talked on the phone with?
Her name start with a K and she looks good on all 4s or in hand cuffs

In the past week have you gotten sick?
I’ve pretty much had a cold for 3 weeks

What were you doing at 9 am this morning?
Speed ballin at my desk

Did you give anyone a dirty look today?
I gave someone a boot to the ass today

In the past week have you felt sad?
I’ve felt horny it's a cronic condtion

Has someone disappointed you recently?
I expect little or nothing from anyone that way I’m never disappointed

Did you kiss anyone today?
No but I did wrestle a homeless guy for a stray dog that we both claimed… Let’s just say I’ll be eating good tonight

Are you comfortable with answering personal questions?
I’m comfortable in a florescent orange cod piece

What do you want in your life right now?
To find my soul mate or some other gay thing

Something you just don’t understand?
People that are into sheep

When was the last time you saw number 3 on your top friends?
Who the hell knows

Do you plan on moving in the next year?
Let’s hope so, my house sucks ass

What did you do today?
Threw rocks at hippies on 287

What are your plans tomorrow?
I’m going to eat waffles without a fork or plate until I’m messy enough to spike my hair with the excess syrup

Who took your profile picture?
Georgia O’Keeffe

When did you last sleep in someone else's bed?
Sleep isn’t really what I have in mind

Have you ever had your heart broken?
I've been kicked in the nuts and that's worse

Have you ever said something outrageously dumb?
Pretty much everyday

Have you ever cried when you were mad?
I don’t cry, I get even

Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
I wish Smokey and the Bandit 2 & 3 had never been made

Do you believe the statement "love is a battlefield"?
I believe in the statement, "I’m going to make war on your naked body"

How many kids do you want to have?
44

Have you ever kissed someone & regretted it?
I bit someone on the neck and I wasn’t nice about it, mmmhmm

Rant On!

xpranksx — Thu, 15 May 2008 20:38:59 +0000

I paid $3.59 this morning for gas. I know it’s more in the big cities and other states but it still sucks ass. I blame the politicians and crazy environmentalists for not letting us harvest oil in America, where it is cheapest to produce. Why haven’t we built any new oil refineries in the last 40 years? Our dependence on foreign oil is easy to explain but I don’t see any of the big 3 potential presidential candidates doing anything to fix the problem because they are part of the problem. These ideas of temporarily repealing the federal gas tax over the summer will not do a damn thing to solve the problem but it might give some addicts a little money to spend on Meth. Yes alternative fuel research should be ongoing. And I’m not talking about Government subsidies (tax dollars) to farmers to grow fucking corn. It takes 450 bushels of corn to make a gallon of fuel for yuppie mother fuckers to put in their shitty flex fuel SUVs so they can feel good about doing their part to save our planet that doesn’t need to be saved. How many starving people in Africa could we feed with the 450 bushels of corn that it takes to make one gallon of fuel? Not that I give two shits about starving people in other countries run by fuckhead dictators who steal any and all foreign aid while their people starve and rot away in squalor. Everything is ass backwards and I pissed at what this country has become! Fuck the democrats and the republicans! Over throw the media and this pseudo government will fail.

Dual Action Anerism Survey

xpranksx — Fri, 09 May 2008 22:27:29 +0000

1) If you got married to your most recent boyfriend / girlfriend what would your last name be?
Ballbuster, because she would where the pants

2) What did you do this afternoon?
Work, lunch, speed around town in the company car make cat calls out the window

3) When do you plan on having kids or your next kid?
I plan to have three or four a week because I’m a really gogetter!

4) Do you know a secret about your last ex that would embarrass them?
You mean that toe sucking thing…

5) Can you take a bra off with one hand?
Hell yeah, since I was 17

6) Can you use chopsticks?
I’m better with a bra

7) How old were you when you lost your first tooth?
Little kid age

8) What does your ex think of you?
Who the hell cares, that’s the beauty part of exs

9) Why did you throw up last?
Road kill

10) Last time you went shopping?
Shopping is for pussies, I go looting!

11) What's for dinner?
Pussy and beer

12) Ever been to the Statuee of Liberty?
I’ve been to Sonic!

13) What are you doing this weekend?
Urinating in public

14) How many e-mail addresses do you have?
A secret agent goes by many names

15) When was the last time you saw your number 1?
last time I took a piss

16) Who will you be sleeping with tonight?
Crabs

17) When was the last time you kissed someone?
Last night but I didn’t mean it

18) Do you send out Thank-You cards?
I send fruit baskets to myself because I’m that good

19) Can you ice skate?
I can barely walk

20) Do you have a brother?
I don’t have to answer your census questions

21) Do you know how to change a diaper?
I know how to make change for a dime

22) Do you flip people off while driving?
Yes because I know it hurts them so deeply they will have to go to therepy

23) What do you think of the person you took this from?
She’s awesome and beautiful

24) Would you take a bullet for anyone?
Just about anyone if it will get me out of paying taxes

25) Who is your favorite American Idol judge?
American Idol is an infection

26) Do you like to grocery shoppin?
I like it when I’m wear an oversized coat

27) What kind of mood are you in?
Some where between kick ass and eat me

28) Think of the last person you kissed, what does their name start with?
Why bring up bad memories…

29) Are you upset?
Being upset requires some amount of caring

30) How has this past week been for you?
SSDD

31) Who was the last person you texted?
I’m not big on texting… so it must have been Lindsey

32) Last person of the opposite sex to give you a hug?
Some chick

33) Do you have any bruises?
Damn right I do

34) Are you tired?
I slept last night

35) Last thing you drank?
Raw sewage

36) Are you happy with your life?
I’m happy to be out of jail

37) What band / artist are you listening to?
Nada… not that’s not a cool new band

38) Who are you thinking about right now?
The wrong person has occupied my thoughts recently

39) Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
I believe Sars makes people cough

40) Have you ever kissed somebody that you weren't dating?
Who hasn’t

41) First person under 'A' on your cell phone?
Alisa… who the hell is Alisa, serious does anyone know her?

42) Do you hate that person?
I hate the new Castro

43) What are you planning on doing after this?
I’m planning a hippie genocide party, Free special Kool-Aid, get your free Kool-Aid here!

44) Any fun plans for today?
Fun is for unemployed people

45) What color socks did you wear today?
Black like my soul

46) What song describes your life?
A song that has never been heard by the masses

47) What celebrity over 40 has still got it going on?
Hmm, you mean like Donald Trump

48) Do you like him / her?
Honestly he seems like a bit of a douche

49) Do you currently have a hickey?
I currently have $40 and that’s enough for a good time on the other side of the tracks

51) Do you get bored of your girlfriend / boyfriend easily?
I was bored before she got her shirt off

52) What was the last thing someone said to you in person?
Something, work, something, deadline, something, responsibility, something,

53) What is your worst subject in school?
Crossdressing for success

54) Do you like your job?
It allows me to fill out all these stupid survey things so what’s not to like

55) Who is the fifth text in your inbox from? What does it say?
I delete that shit right away

56) Do you have a Facebook?
I’ve been shitfaced!

57) What are your initials?
FU

58) What's your favorite number(s)?
44

59) What was the last movie you watched?
High noon with Gary Cooper

Tweaker Challenge Survey

xpranksx — Tue, 06 May 2008 21:10:23 +0000

What would hurt more: seeing your best friend make out with your ex or your younger sibling?
Seeing my mom make out with my younger sibling

When was your last alcoholic drink?:
When I was 18 I think

Where do you live?:
Hellifino, Colorado

Whats the weirdest spot you've let someone lick on you?:
“Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it's forgivable to go ass to mouth.
” – Becky Clerks II

What color is your hair?
Bleach blonde with roots that are bad ass

What is the last movie you watched?
Evil Dead

Are you mentally disabled?:
No but I’m willing to learn or devolve

Who's bothering you right now?:
Erica & Ruthie

What makes you happy?:
Boobs and sex food and clean sheets

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?:
If I was drunk enough

When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?:
Hmm, it has been a while

Are you happy?:
Happiness is a state of being kind of like HPV only better and less gross

Do you miss someone?:
No I think I found someone new to keep me entertained

Have you ever dated a cheerleader/football player and for how long?
A crack whore once asked me if I was looking for a date, she may have been a cheerleader at some point

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?:
I’m flavorful and long lasting

Who was the last person you gave your number to?:
Hmm, maybe Fully or Graham or that Tom

How good is Coca-Cola?:
It’s my favorite

Do you drink alcohol?:
I drink Draino, alcohol is for pussies

Do you lead people on?:
I have a leash if she has the time…

Do you have a dry erase board in your room?:
No but TV and I’m sure I could find a dry earse marker

What does it say?:
I would draw stick figure in different sexual positions

How was your day, what'd you do?:
Umm, work, cough, cough, harecore drugs and work

Are you hungry?:
I’m so hungry I could eat at Arby’s

What is on your desk right now?:
Thousands of papers that I don’t feel like reading or throwing away, cell phone, sunglasses, phone book, note pads, a stapler, random junk, I totally need a maid.

When's the last time you cleaned your room?:
I don’t it’s mostly clutter free but it might need to be vacuumed or dusted

Last compliment you received?
Someone told me that I seem like a real prick a few days ago

What's your favorite animal?
I want a pet hellifino

Are you mad at someone right now?
Cops, politicians, collection agencies, environmentalist… the usual suspects

Are you taking anyone for granted?:
Everyone and everything

Where do you keep your money?:
You have to have money before you worry about where to keep it

When was your last kiss in the rain?
Oh that one time when I kissed a chick and it happened to be raining… I can’t even remember the last time it rained

How did you wake up this morning?:
With my eye matted shut, now that’s fucking sexy!

Which is more romantic: sunrise or sunset?:
Waking up at sunrise with a GHB headache is special

Quick say a verse from any song:
I want your blood, I rip your throat
To drink some blood
We bite, we bite, we bite, we bite

What's the last bone you broke?:
A hippie's skull... now my boots smell like hippie

How many letters are in your last name?
douchebag has 9 letters

What book did you read last?:
I’ll wait for the movie

What are you excited about?:
A new friend seems promising

Do you live near your best friend(s)?:
Some live near
some live far
some get drunk
and puke in your car

Do you have any tattoos or piercings?:
Will that make me cooler or make you like me more?

How do you walk?:
Upright, I’ve tried all fours but then my Johnson drags on the ground and that's not cool

When was the last time you danced with a boy/girl?:
Dancing is not my thing and neither is gay sex

When was the last time you were so drunk you threw up?:
One pint of lime vodka on an empty stomach… but my puke look gnarly

Do you curse a lot?:
Not really, I generally can come up with better ways to communicate effectively

Do you hate your first ex boyfriend/girlfriend?:
I care nothing about her

Do you drink bottled water?:
I only bathe in Figi bottled water

Are you happier single or with a boyfriend/girlfriend?:
I’m happier eating waffles naked

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?:
That’s a stupid idea

Most hated food?:
water chestnuts are evil

What is the status of you and your first love?:
Love may be subjective like happiness or HPV only more burtal

Would you say you date smart people?:
I date easy people with huge… brains

Is life over for you?
Let’s hope so!